Take This With My Compliments

By Gregory Keer

My wife and I had modest ambitions about decorating our home before our children arrived. Given our overstuffed work lives, we wanted our home to have clean lines, an emphasis on negative space, and blues and greens to give a feeling of serenity.

By the time our third child reached elementary school, it was clear he had different design ideas. The clean lines have been replaced by shelves full of outsized Lego masterpieces, the negative spaces filled with craft materials and handy tools, and the blues and greens obscured by the wild patterns of fabrics employed in making countless handmade ski hats and movie-night blankets. Serenity? No, that went away in not having one tabletop, cabinet, or couch free of clutter.

“Unless you put some of this junk back in your room, I’m taking it all to the garage,” I said to my son one day in a fit of fastidiousness.

“I promise I’ll put it away tomorrow,” he replied, not looking up from the newly-assembled cardboard doghouse he was installing next to our couch.

As I stared at the giant canine box with an irritated look, my wife, who has developed a disturbingly higher tolerance for messiness, pulled me aside.

“It’s a pretty good piece of work, isn’t it?” she reasoned.

“It’s great,” I said sarcastically. “Let’s do the whole room in storage containers.”

Ari heard this, a tad hurt. “If you don’t like it, I can take it down — even though I worked on it all day.”

Feeling sheepish — which happens so often I might as well join a wooly herd in New Zealand — I walked over to inspect the structure. Indeed, it was surprisingly well designed. It had a geometrically balanced pitched roof, a circular window that used a clear plastic take-out top instead of glass, and an accurately measured opening perfect for our small dog. It was even painted with a cool blue that satisfied my color preference. Frankly, I was so impressed by my 12-year-old’s ingenuity, I forgot my stuffy intolerance to his messy creations.

“This is cool, kiddo.”

To this, my son nodded imperceptibly and walked away.

I turned to my wife, “What was that? I said I liked it.”

“Truthfully, after hearing you complain all the time, the compliment gets a little lost.”

So, I went to my son’s room to talk to him where he was already busy playing around with some string and an old climbing carabiner to create a pulley. He did something similar at sleepaway camp where he made a system connected to his top bunk to pick up dropped items below.

“Sorry, kiddo. I really do like the doghouse.”

“OK,” he said, still monotoned.

“I’m proud of all your clever stuff,” I continued, gesturing at the new pulley.

The kid shrugged. And I realized, this was more than just being immunized by my complaints. This was part of a pattern occurring in other instances. I would go to his orchestra concerts and praise his trombone work, only to get a mumbled “Thanks.” I would see his report card and remark on the improvement in math, followed by his “I should do better” response.

What I came to realize was that my son honestly did not know how to take a compliment. Moreover, neither did my two elder sons or, for that matter, most of the high-school students I taught.

While I haven’t delved too deeply into the psychological research that explains this phenomenon with today’s kids, I do have thoughts on why I am making a goal out of giving my sons a different kind of gift this holiday season. I want to teach them how to take a compliment.

Part one is something I refer to a lot regarding my parenting habits. That is, I have to be better about reducing my criticisms and targeting my constructive advice so that, when I do give a compliment, it is not drowned out by negativity.

Part two is giving a proper compliment. In a generation of parents who have given out more than our share of participation trophies and praise for doing basic human things like pooping and making a rudimentary finger-painting, I need to focus my positive feedback on achievements that require serious effort. This includes taking risks by trying difficult tasks, standing up for friends when others won’t, and hitting a tough high note on a really difficult instrument like a trombone. The key is specificity, citing a particular action, and not just saying, “You’re great!” Kids trust a compliment and actually know how to build off of it when they know exactly where they have gone right.

Part three is trickier and that involves coaching my kids to receive praise with grace and appreciation that someone is taking the time to notice them. We all crave validation, but if we don’t make eye contact with our complimenter and drink it in when it’s served to us, especially since it gets more rare as we get older, then we will self-inflict more ego suffering than we should.

Although I still plan to give my boys a couple of material gifts I hope they’ll like, my true hope is that I can help them accept the gift of a compliment and, most of all, teach them how to savor praise as a validation for the hard-working, unique people they are. If I can do this just a little, I can live with all the messiness my boys can wreak upon my living room.

© 2018 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Posted in Blog, Columns by Family Man, Holidays, Perspective | Leave a comment

The One That Ends With Hope

By Gregory Keer

How’s this for a new picture book? It’s the story of two children who play on the same playground, learn in the same school, eat at the same restaurants. They each have caring parents. One morning, while out walking on a Saturday, one of the children sees the other walk into a synagogue with her family. The first child asks his parents if they can do the same.

“No, they are different from us,” the parents respond. ”Those are bad people. They make friends with bad people.”

The first child says, “No, she is my friend. She’s not bad.”

The parents shake their heads, “We are telling you they are. Do not play with her anymore.”

Years later, the first child has grown to his middle life. He has learned many reasons why the parents believe Jewish people are bad. Life has been hard for the once-little boy. Jobs have been hard to find. Others have jobs and seem happier. These others have different beliefs and backgrounds, but they all live near him. Some of them are Jews. His parents have died, so he has looked for guidance from others who believe as his parents taught him. These others have power and tell him the ones who have what he should have should be removed from his neighborhood.

One day, a Saturday, the man goes to a synagogue. A little girl has just entered with her parents. The man follows, pulls out a large gun, the kind that shoots many bullets very fast, and shoots everyone he can.

When he is done. And people are dead or screaming in pain, he peers to his right and sees the little girl, still alive. She lays next to her parents, now dead. She looks back at him in fear and confusion.

The man meets her eyes. He feels…

He feels…what? As I write, I do not know what to fill in there to complete the sentence. Does he feel good, bad, a combination? Now that he has done what he has done, does he feel better, worse, proud, horrified?

I must say that I do not know what to write that will make sense as an ending to the overly simplified story I wrote above. But I am trying. I am trying. I am trying.

In the aftermath of the massacre committed on the Jewish Sabbath on October 27, 2018, in a Pittsburgh synagogue, I feel many things. One of them is sick. Sick because hatred has caused this. Sick because people from all sides, all beliefs, are arguing about the reasons this happened. Sick because I am a Jew, raising my children as Jews, and I fear for their lives. Sick because I fear for the lives of anyone who is the target of murderers who kill those who are different from them. Sick because one of the reasons these Jews were killed was because they reached out to help refugees who needed assistance. Sick because this is my country, a nation where equality and kindness have so long won out because this nation was founded on these principles. Sick because many of our country’s leaders are teaching us to hate, praising those who hate, encouraging those who hate.

But as I write these words, I write to ease the sickness I feel. To make room for a way forward so that I can protect my children and help steer the parents of anyone who will read these words towards something better.

It is easy to hate. It is hard to love. It is easy to find reasons to push others aside and even kill them. It is hard to bring others close to us and even hug them, help them. But which provides something that lasts, something to build from? We must keep asking ourselves long-term questions, not giving ourselves short-term answers. The long ones provide hard roads toward life, understanding, and love. The short ones, those that sometimes look like little pieces of metal that shred and kill, provide paths of death, ignorance, and hate.

Please, let’s walk the long road together.

Please, let’s write a different picture book. The one that ends with the man walking into the synagogue without a gun. The one that ends with the man feeling…hope.


© 2018 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Posted in Blog, Columns by Family Man, Ethics, Helping Kids Understand Loss, Morals, Perspective, Safety, Social Action, Talking About Disasters, Values | 1 Comment

Teens Show Bulletproof Leadership

By Gregory Keer

I work really hard at my public face. As a parenting writer and high-school educator, I try to project steadiness, calm, wisdom, and a little gentle humor. I call it my Atticus Finch persona, and it has been cultivated and is authentic. Most of the time.

Some of the time, I lose my composure, usually with my own kids. They dissolve into their phones instead of looking solidly at me when I make conversation, and that makes me upset. They repeatedly leave their clothes and dishes around for someone else to take care of, and that makes me mad. They tell me to shut up, that I don’t know anything about the way the world works today, and that makes me furious.

In my worst responses, I’ve shaken the rooftop with my anger at not being able to control my kids’ negative behavior. I’ve apologized to them, explaining that my reaction is my own fault and admitting my mistake in letting the Hulk out when I should have called upon a bit more Atticus Finch. I tell them that I allowed my message of disappointment in their actions to be overtaken by my lack of self-regulation. And I work daily at improving my responses, at increasing my level-headedness if only to show them one of my chief lessons in life: No one is perfect, but we must communicate with each other, above all else, if we are to resolve what makes us feel diminished, put down, or left out.

This central belief — in communication — is the main reason I write. It’s the main reason I am writing this piece today. I am writing to answer my children’s questions about why I, and my generation, have not made the world as safe as it could be. I am writing because I want my boys to know that I value their own efforts to figure out the problems of our time. I am writing because I need them to know that they, and their contemporaries who are speaking and acting with clarity and conviction, are showing me that they are ready to lead us to important changes for good.

Pivoting From Anger to Glimmers of Hope

Sure, it matters that I am upset for the victims of the recent shootings at Santa Fe High School in Texas and Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida. I am mad at the narrow-mindedness of those who cannot see the benefits of committing to more effective gun control regulation and taking automatic rifles off the market. I am furious at those in our society who do not truly value our children’s lives and their voices when our kids speak intelligently and humanely.

But it is incumbent upon me, as a writer/parent/educator/sentient being with the blessing of the ability to reason, to at least attempt to make some sense out of the chaos of a world where children die in the very places that are meant to help them grow their minds and bodies enough to become the eventual caretakers of this society.

If there is one thing I have realized by being a father, it’s that I learn more from my kids than they do from me. Sure, I have given them guidelines and tips to function as good, productive people. But they, in their clarity about fairness, capacity to forgive, and their passion for living for happiness and love, wipe away the fog that often clouds my vision through the sometimes numbing elements of work, money, responsibility.

My boys are full of imperfections, which are well documented in my writings, but they know that emotions are complex, random, hard to deal with. They shout, cry, laugh, and get sad, yet they are willing to talk about it. Sometimes with my wife and me, sometimes with friends, sometimes with their pediatrician. Yes, my wife and I taught them that this is important, that we are safe to talk to, even when we have opinions on when they’ve been right or wrong. Still, they have to walk this path of not holding inside what troubles them and of trusting that those meant to support them (their parents, teachers, health professionals) will see them as individuals who need safety nets, boundaries, and guidance.

These are boys who are able to access their feelings as well as recognize and reach out to others who exhibit feelings of sadness or distress. Feelings are more powerful than fists or bullets or any other vestiges of what some may see as strength or machismo. Feelings can lead people to bully others, to shut others out to protect oneself, and to a place on the wide spectrum of depression that this country of ours is still largely clueless about. Feelings lead to actions and the sooner our children can learn to sort through them, the better off we will all be.

Making Their Path to Change Possible

Let me be super clear about something else I’ve learned from teaching and raising teenagers in particular — they want adults to set limits, even when their feelings progress to them railing and screaming and taking off in the car in response to these lines. They need us to know we’re keeping them in bounds because their brains and emotions are a long way off from being completely developed. They need us to buck up, not shy away from their temporary shields and emotional missiles, and use compassionate firmness to keep them safe and kind in this world.

So, what else can we do, my friends in parenthood? What can we do for our children in the face of a breakdown of all we should have done to prevent tragedies such as the mass shootings in Texas and Florida? We need to double down, dig way the hell in on our efforts to make kids our number one priority. We brought them into this world, and they have repaid us with a sense of fulfillment that outpaces whatever headaches they’ve caused us. Now, we have to listen to them and their cries for safety, fairness, and reason. We have to let them take our hand down a path we started for them and allow them to show us what they need.

We have to support them with making gun laws more effective and putting more trained security professionals on campus whose sole job is to protect our youth. We have to boost them with more teachers who teach, more guidance counselors who counsel, more adult professionals who have eyes and ears on them. America is painfully behind much of the first-world in the area of financial commitment to education. We — need — to — be — number — one.

And, again, we need to let our children lead us.

Twice in the last year, my sons got my wife and I out of the house to march with thousands to speak out about human rights and dignity. They made signs, spoke to adults, and walked miles and miles. No complaining from them. Why? Because they were leading.

At my high school in the days following the Parkland, Florida tragedy, student leaders in every grade organized memorials, assemblies, and letter writing to the victims and politicians who can help prevent the creation of more victims.

With my children and my students, I have been proud to the point of bursting to provide support and guidance. But I have done little compared to them. They have led me and other adults. They have communicated their needs. And they have not lost an ounce of commitment.

For myself, I know all too well how little anger does if I don’t channel it into action and understanding. My children have taught me more about that than I ever expected. I am forever grateful to them for that. I will show that gratitude by supporting their calls for a safer, better world.

© 2018 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Posted in Adolescence, Columns by Family Man, Death, Ethics, Helping Kids Understand Loss, Morals, Protecting Children, Safety, School, Talking About Disasters, Tweens, Values | Leave a comment

All’s Fair in Love and Bros

By Gregory Keer

The back seat. That dreaded section of the car that offers so much potential for sibling harmony. And yet, this seemingly innocuous space invariably serves one purpose — to be the horizontal haven of havoc.

Once my youngest child was old enough to leave the sanctuary of his car seat, he and his brothers formed a murderer’s row. I can’t remember the last time we had a ride that did not include a protest about not having enough space, a complaint about the unfairness of sitting in the middle, or a sharp elbow to the face, followed by a headlock, a foot stomp, and several cries for help.

I’m not really sure what my children think I can do for them in their moments of seatbelt-enhanced mayhem. I am often the one driving, so it’s unclear why they do not understand that the usual results from their mobile ring of wrestlemania are their own pain and me blowing more gaskets than exist under the hood of the car.

How I wish I could get my boys to resist their caged animal instincts. I’ve tried pre-trip lectures, incentives, even a couple of head-in-my hands emotional breakdowns on the side of the road. While the fighting may be dangerous given its distraction to me and my wife as drivers, what really gets me is how awful they treat each other in these situations. When these incidents occur, I despair that my boys will never be good friends and will decide to isolate from one another as they get older. Like most parents, I want my children to feel they can count on each other well beyond the efforts we make in their formative years.

However, for all my worries, the years of parenting multiple children have taught me that my sons’ warring ways belie their true adoration for each other. Whatever the conflict is, my boys do love each other. Ironically, their affection is built on constant testing. No matter how hard they hit each other, they will hug it out before the end of the day (sometimes two days, but who’s counting).

As a parent, it’s difficult to maintain this perspective, but it’s also fascinating to watch their dynamics play out. Between our oldest and youngest kids, who are separated by more than six years, we’ve seen how much effort Ari makes to get Benjamin’s attention. Ari tried wrestling many times, but Benjamin just wouldn’t engage — or would simply slug his brother to finish things off. So Ari has done everything from hiding in Benjamin’s room and jump-scaring him to squeezing between our eldest and his girlfriend on the couch. Usually, Benjamin yells at Ari to go away, which takes several efforts before the annoying younger brother responds.

My wife and I can hardly disagree that Ari is super abrasive in these instances, but we feel bad for both parties. Ari will sometimes look crestfallen that his brother denies his presence and Benjamin appears on the brink of insanity while warding off the assaults. But for all the years of tension, these two cuddle the most when it’s time to watch a movie. And recently, when Ari had a slight medical concern, Benjamin (who now studies Microbiology in college) was the one to ease his fears the most.

With Jacob, the proverbial middle child, everything is about competition with his brothers. Between Jacob and Ari, things have always been the most contentious. Closer in age, these two battle over everything, from who gets the bigger scoop of ice cream to who receives more time with the grandparents. Over the years, Jacob has jealously filched Ari’s candy stashes and best sweatshirts (when they were both similar in size). After years of being pounded on, Ari now has a habit of ragging on his brother for getting zits or having B.O. These two fight the hardest, but they defend each other the most when anyone else — including us parents — get in the way.

For Jacob and Benjamin, they too have battled over the years. Jacob often compared himself to his older brother in school, saying Benjamin wasn’t a cool dresser and bragging about his teachers liking him more than they liked Benjamin. When Jacob would ask Benjamin for help in math or history, the elder boy would throw him out of the room. Yet, these two competitors have become allies, with Jacob happily inheriting Benjamin’s hand-me-down concert t-shirts, and Benjamin frequently giving his brother life advice.

Watching these boys form their bonds over the years is one of the most gratifying aspects of parenting. Seeing them do it through an unending series of slugfests, insult contests, and chaotic car rides may make it a harrowing adventure, but I’m pretty certain it’s the battle-testing that will keep their ties strong.

© 2018 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Posted in Adolescence, Blog, Columns by Family Man, Siblings | Leave a comment

Halloween is for Kids, Right?

By Gregory Keer

A dozen years ago, when my sons were younger, I had a lesson to learn about All Hallow’s Eve. Up till then, I really thought I could construct the perfect trick-or-treat night. On that October 31st, I stepped into the night, ready to lead my brood through one of childhood’s greatest experiences – an evening of stockpiling candy and pretending to be a favorite character. For me, it was a chance to have as much fun as they did.

I even dressed up as Luke Skywalker, wearing a robe and carrying a toy lightsaber, though I didn’t look as adorable as my kids. Jacob (then 4 years old) dressed as Harry Potter. Benjamin (then 7) went for the medieval ‘dark warrior’ look. Ari (then 11 months) was stuffed in a puffy lion’s costume for his Halloween premiere.

As I watched my older sons ring doorbells and say thank you in voices as sweet as the treats they received, it was perfectly enchanting – for all of 15 minutes.

A car blaring bass-driven music slowed in front of us. A teenager in a Scream mask yelled out, “Happy Halloween!” then chucked an egg that smacked my pant leg.

My children thought it was hysterical.

“Daddy got hit with an egg! Can we go get some eggs, too?”

“No,” I shouted, before realizing I was cracking myself. “It’s only funny once.”

As we moved along, my wife commented, “The real Luke would’ve dodged that egg.”

I glared at her, then spied Jacob returning from a house, his mouth bulging with chocolate, ready to open a king-size Snickers.

“Only five candies while we walk,” I warned him.

That’s when my little Harry Potter quick-changed from British schoolboy to spoiled brat: “I don’t LIKE you!” he cried, dropping to the sidewalk.

I controlled my temper, firmly telling Jacob, “I can take you home right now.”

Apparently this worked because he hugged me, saying, “I’ll share some of the SweeTarts with you later, Daddy. I know you love them.”

With order restored, I pushed Ari along in the stroller, smiling as he pointed at the festive decorations of flying witches, fluttering ghosts – bloody body parts strewn over someone’s lawn.

Then, Benjamin whined, “I’m bored.”

I tried to ignore him, thinking, what could be better than going house-to-house with your family, collecting treats Charlie Brown only dreamed about?

“This is really boring,” Benjamin repeated.

“Look, guys, this house has a hundred cool pumpkins!” I said like a cheerleader. “This one is mean, this one is silly, and this one looks like Mommy without her makeup.”

Neither my wife nor my eldest son appreciated that one.

“Not funny, Daddy. I’m still bored,” Benjamin grumbled. “Can I go to Jeff’s haunted house to help scare people?”

I looked at my wife, dejectedly. “This is supposed to be a family night.”

“Let him go play,” my wife said.

Benjamin ran off and we visited more houses, but I kept feeling let down without him. Then I realized Jacob had slipped away, too. I ran up and down the block before spotting him hiding behind a bush, about to eat an unwrapped popcorn ball.

“Don’t — eat — that!” I shouted as I swatted away the sticky clump like it was some kind of grenade.

Jacob wailed in shock while I explained, “Didn’t we tell you not to eat anything that isn’t in a package?”

I leaned down to hug away his tears just as Ari, no longer content to be a live-action Simba the Lion King, pulled off his cloth mane for the seventh time and howled crankily.

“I’ll take him home,” Wendy said.

Seeing my perfect Halloween unravel, I sulked like one of my children, “But I want to trick-or-treat TOGETHER!”

My wife placed her hand on my cheek: “You need to grow up.”

Later, my family reconvened at home, munching on more candies and answering the door for other trick-or-treaters. My childish desire to be one of the kids slowly faded, especially in light of seeing Jacob handing out sweets to the visitors.

“Here’s one for you Cinderella, one for you Spider-Man,” he said before a much larger person came up, clearly an adult in a grotesque mask. Without a beat, Jacob said, “And here’s three candies for you, Scary-Face Man.”

Imagine, a grown-up trying to steal some of the fun on a kids’ night. Well, there’s always next year.

© 2017 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Posted in Activities With Kids, Adulthood, Columns by Family Man, Halloween, Holidays | Leave a comment

The Brass Tacks of Music Education

By Gregory Keer

When my eldest son came home one day during his first week of third grade, he lugged in a sinister-looking black case. My immediate reaction was that he had joined the elementary school mafia and was about to make us an offer we could not refuse after making him transfer to this new school. The reality was a bit more surprising. Our quiet, seemingly risk-averse son had brought home a trumpet.

“How did this happen?” I asked Benjamin.

“They asked if anyone wanted to join the orchestra, and I said yes,” he said with a shrug.

It was that simple. He had never discussed interest in playing the horn before and, because he previously took piano lessons without much commitment, we assumed music was not his thing.

That was OK. I was thrilled enough for the both of us. Having spent much of my adult life regretting that I had given up piano as a teen and then devoting 30 years to idolizing musicians and writing album reviews, this moment was celebratory. My sons would play music.

Over the next three years, Benjamin practiced with a ragtag orchestra of kids, most of whom had never played an instrument before. However, their teacher, Mr. Geiger, steadily and expertly trained them so they got pretty darn good. Maybe some parents dread the warbly, sometimes out-of-tune seasonal concerts, but my face hurt from all the smiling I did while listening to Benjamin play in the brass section.

Our middle son was a little more intentional when it came time for him to choose whether or not to join the school orchestra.

“I’m going to be better than Benjamin,” he said, never shy about his competitive spirit.

Yet, when he came home with his own black case, this one contained a clarinet.

“Why not the trumpet?” I asked.

“Dad, I’m my own person and the clarinet is more me,” he reasoned.

Jacob performed with gusto and enjoyed being one of only two to play the instrument in the group. He didn’t practice much, but he made the most of the rehearsals and his flair for pouring his outgoing personality into the reed instrument.

Then Ari’s turn arrived. Like his brothers before him, our third child selected his own instrument, the trombone. Seriously, that thing was taller than my tyke, yet my boy was determined to master it. Of all my sons, Ari showed the most joy in playing, even though it proved a challenge to get skilled enough to blow the notes the way he wanted to. Often, he’d get frustrated.

“I’m really not any good,” he would sometimes say.

“I don’t care,” I would reply. “Just keep playing.”

I could have told him that the sounds he was creating were akin to those generated by a flatulent walrus. However, his drive to improve focused my encouragement of him. If he wanted to get good, I would not dampen his spirit. Even if it meant going to another room to rehabilitate my ears.

And keep playing he did, month after month. He got to the point of more proudly pulling the instrument out to show off his version of “When the Saints Come Marching In” and “Winter Wonderland.” And no kid waved more excitedly when we would see him in the back row of the orchestra on performance days.

While Benjamin petered out on music by sixth grade and Jacob took up the guitar on and off for the years past elementary school, Ari kept going. In the first year of middle school, he joined the beginning orchestra with which his skills really began to take flight. Much of this had to do with an attentive teacher who always found extra time for his large array of students. It is also attributed to Ari’s outside-of-school lessons with a patient and creative piano teacher and a marvelous trombone teacher. This brass instructor nurtured not only Ari’s playing, but helped him to transcribe music by ear and explore the classics of my own true musical love, jazz.

Recently, Ari emerged from a trombone lesson saying he wanted me to select one of my favorite jazz tunes each week or so for him to learn. To say that I got a little dizzy from the extra oxygen that request filled me with is not an exaggeration.

As this new school year rolls forward, I remain committed to the extra dollars and driving time it takes to give Ari as much music education as he wants. My wife and I may have led our children to the water of music, but it has been their own curiosity and willingness to take risks with their creativity that has given them a means of extra expression and an enduring love of music’s affective powers.

If I have advice for parents on this subject it is that, whatever your own musical interest is, make the effort to expose your children to playing music early and then support their pursuits to the utmost of your resources. You never know what will happen. Likely, it will be something beautiful.

© 2017 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Posted in Activities With Kids, Adolescence, Arts Education, Child Development, Columns by Family Man, Music, School | 1 Comment

Tapping Dad’s Potential

(Eddie Guy/for The Washington Post)

By Gregory Keer

Even though more men are choosing greater involvement with their families, miles of improvement are still needed to shrink the gap between the average mom and typical dad. Much is said about what the guys lack and should do to make things better. But what can the women involved do to help a father tap his potential?

1. Acknowledge the Changing Stereotype

If seeing more men at the park in the middle of a weekday or carrying a macho-looking diaper bag isn’t enough, statistics might help women see that today’s family man is different than that of generations past. A recent National Center for Fathering-Gallup Poll found that more than 90% of fathers are present at their kid’s births. A Pew Research survey published in 2013 found that, “When asked about their preferences between staying at home raising children and working for pay, a nearly equal share of working mothers (52%) and fathers (48%) say they wish they could be at home.” Going further, there are more men taking the primary child care duties, whether it’s because their wives are working more or because they are single dads.

Part of the reason for this is that many men want to be around more than their fathers might have been. The drive to improve things for their own kids makes them drive more carpool, get home on time for dinner, and take real vacation time that focuses on the kids.

Women can play up the trends and intentions by planning more social time with families that have involved dads. Men respond well to competition and hanging out with families that feature other guys who are breaking the old father stereotypes might encourage them to do the same.

2. Men Still Have Pressure to Fit Old Stereotypes

Despite the changes in how men view childcare commitment, they are still subject to the old expectations of being the primary breadwinner. Many guys feel inadequate if they don’t make as much money as their working women. And the media still reflects a general dominance of male CEOs, mainstream workers, and politicians.

Women can address these issues by removing the competitive factor that has arisen between spouses. Explain to your partner that you don’t care who makes more money in the house since it all ends up helping the family. More importantly, emphasize that what you and your husband are doing is modeling for your children. Your husband can be a leader in his own home by showing his kids that he doesn’t care about who makes the most money. What matters is the effort put into it. Then there’s the issue of the “other #1” – being a #1 father.

3. Help Him Get Involved Early

Momentum is huge in just about any long-term endeavor. That’s why the sooner a father gets involved in being a parent, the better the chance he will stay in the groove over the decades. Just as conception is always a two-person job (even with modern fertility methods), be sure to keep everything else related to the child a partnership. Read pregnancy books together, go shopping for nursery items together, and go to birthing class and the hospital (!) together. After birth, maintain the rhythm by having dad change diapers, read to baby, and feed baby bottles (breastfeeding moms can still have father give a bottle each day or a couple a week).

4. Get Out of Dad’s Way

Yes, a woman carries a growing baby in her womb, gives birth, and often breastfeeds the child. That doesn’t mean a man lacks the desire to nurture. Some men have a hard time finding that nurturing impulse, which is why the momentum factor is important to start before the birth.

On the flip side, there are guys who want to be VERY involved, but have spouses who keep all the fun to themselves. Lots of evidence points to baby’s needing more of Mommy than Daddy, especially early on, yet mounting statistics prove the significance of fatherly involvement in developing children. Studies show that children with fathers who care for them, especially from infancy, end up more secure in life, among other benefits.

Still, a lot of women think they know how to care for children best. They tell dads how to do everything, down to the smallest detail. If the fathers do something differently from the moms, they are reprimanded and often taken off some parenting duties. This is detrimental to the father, who needs confidence in his abilities, and the child, who just needs Daddy to round out her life experience.

The key here is to understand that different is not wrong. If a father feeds the kids something other than what a mother suggests, it can still be OK (as long as the food’s relatively nutritious). If Dad takes the children to the movies instead of reading books, that can be all right, too, because it’s still parenting time. It’s also important to recognize that fathers parent differently. Dads let kids roughhouse more and take more chances. This is different than moms but good for children’s developing understanding of the world and their limits.

One terrific way for a mom to let go a little more is to have a dad take one night or one weekend day alone with the kids. Mom can go out with friends, out of town, whatever, as long as dad must fend for himself. It’s tough for most dads (heck, it’s hard for moms too), but this will allow a man to figure out his own pattern with the kids and not rely on the crutch of a mother. Certainly, keep the cell phone line open for questions, but resist the urge to check in or else risk insulting a father’s capability.

5. Applaud His Efforts

We all need praise for what we do. It’s not that fathers need more of it – actually, they do. The fact is that, while stereotypes are changing, Mom is still the go-to parent in most families. The only way to ensure the shrinkage of the gap between mother and father involvement is for the dad to feel in control, confident, and satisfied. Tell your partner what he does well more than criticize him for where he falls flat. You can offer advice, but do it as a team, saying, “This is what we both need to work on.” The more a father gets in the regular rhythm of child care, the more natural it will be for the man to make good on his potential.

© 2017 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Posted in Columns by Family Man, Gender, Marriage | Leave a comment

A Road Well Traveled

By Gregory Keer

It was my eldest son’s first winter break since he started college, and I was so happy to have him home that I had all kinds of plans. We’d watch movies, take in a concert, hit up a couple of his favorite food joints, and just sit around so I could stare at my first born.

Benjamin had other plans.

“How many days are you planning for this road trip?” I asked.

“Not that long, maybe seven,” Benjamin replied.

“Seven days? That’s a whole week,” I said, deflated.

Benjamin put a consoling hand on my shoulder, our father-son roles reversed.

“It’ll be OK, Dad. I’ll have plenty of time to hang out with you when I get back.”

Fighting my selfish inclinations, I recovered my concerned parent persona.

“Who’s car are you taking?”

“Jamie’s. Don’t worry, Dad, it’s the one with the most safety features.”

“And you’re driving in shifts?”

“Of course. All four of us will take a turn driving.”

“Four dudes in a car with luggage? That’s going to be a close fit.”

“It’ll be fine.”

I stopped at this. After all, my son was old enough for a road trip, despite my worries. Best of all, he was going with some of his closest buddies to visit another pal in the next state. Over the course of 10 years, these kids became friends at overnight camp, where they lived, played, ate, got in trouble, and eventually worked as counselors together each summer.

Along with those kids came great parents, some of whom voiced the same concerns when the families met for dinner the night before the boys’ journey.

“How many of you are packing into the car?” Jamie’s mom inquired.

“Now it’s five,” Jamie said.

“Comfy,” Joe’s dad quipped.

“That’ll smell good,” Jamie’s dad added.

““You have to be careful about not distracting each other,” Joe’s mom said.

“We’ll be fine, I promise,” Joe replied.

“You’re all staying at Mitchell’s house?” Jamie’s mom continued. “Does his mother know that?”

“She definitely knows,” my son confirmed.

“Well, we’ve certainly all had Mitchell stay with us over the years,” Wendy offered. “Last summer, he sent just his laundry with Benjamin on a staff day off.”

We all laughed at this, one of many examples of how the boys have managed to extend their relationships to each other’s families. Skeptical as we were that night, we made a few more micromanaging suggestions about eating, driving, and being safe, then collectively gave them our blessing for their adventure.

In this month of February, as my wife and I make the final decision on sending our younger two boys to overnight camp, we are bolstered by the benefits we’ve seen Benjamin receive from his summer experiences. His months away with the guys he road-tripped with, as well as several other significant friends, gave him shared experiences that go well beyond what he had during school terms. Overnight camp allowed these boys to see each other at their best and worst, in the early morning and middle of the night. They formed bonds that have made them feel like family.

Mind you, tuition for overnight camp has been expensive, often to the point where we’ve struggled to finance the costs. Yet, of all the things we have spent money on, camp has brought golden value not only to Benjamin, but also to our other boys. They’ve learned independence, tried activities that expanded their self-confidence, and managed to survive on food they sometimes didn’t like.

Most of all, though, they have been educated in the complexity of socialization. Without parent hovering, but under the care of trained counselors and professional supervisors, they’ve lived and played with all kinds of people. They’ve had to get along with kids they didn’t like and some that didn’t like them. Because of round-the-clock time with each other, sometimes the dislikes turned into likes. Our boys have had to learn about emotions in themselves and others, even early romance, that could not be explored in a typical school day. They’ve met people from other parts of the country and from other cultures, getting to know details about them that could only come from their month of living together.

While it’s not a guarantee that my younger boys will maintain the kind of friendships my eldest has with his road-trip buddies, it is apparent that camp is helping them gain the skills to find deep relationships.

Regarding that road trip, Benjamin and his band of merry men managed to come home in one piece. They made some mistakes, but also learned from an experience no parent can ever really teach. As we did with overnight camp, we had followed the belief that the best thing a parent can do is launch our kids, then let them learn on their own. Of course, it helps when they have good friends to go along for the ride.


© 2017 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Posted in Boys to Men, Camp, Columns by Family Man, Friendship, Teens | 2 Comments

Soldiering Toward Tolerance

By Gregory Keer

The soldier is someone’s child, a boy raised with lessons of love, the value of tolerance, and the benefits of friendship. Eight months into the soldier’s tour of duty, all those lessons are tested when two of his closest brothers in arms are out in a Humvee, driving through treacherous desert. Manning the turret is a hulking linebacker type who joined the military to protect his skinny high school buddy, who steers the vehicle. A bomb detonates, killing one soldier, knocking the skinny guy unconscious, and ripping off the arm of the linebacker. Bullets tear into the Hummer, awakening the skinny guy. Bleeding but determined to get his big friend to safety, the skinny guy guides the damaged Hummer back to base.

The soldier now stands before hundreds of students, not much younger than he was at the time of that fateful attack, telling his story.

“Aid was administered and both survived,” he says of his friends. It is then that the soldier pauses and tears come. “You see, real men cry.”

As he holds a hand to his face, he explains his deepest understanding of what they all fought for — to uphold a vision of the world that puts care for fellow human beings, regardless of race, creed, or color, above all else. Earlier in his presentation, he said that he had lost some of his Army friends and that “many of them were not the same race as me, or the same religion as me, or the same political ideology as me. But they died just the same. The strength of this country is and has always been in its diversity, and in its fearless inclusivity. If anything makes us exceptional it is this.”

The soldier has every reason to be cynical because of his trials, but his resolution is rooted so deeply that it binds a group of teenagers who struggle with their own doubts about life’s meaning. HIs resolution is so powerful that his tears return.

And it as this point that a student, a ninth-grade girl with a titanium leg in place of the one she was not born with, rises from her seat and steadily walks up to him. The soldier’s head is down, and he notices her just as she reaches out her arms and embraces him. He leans on this seemingly fragile girl with the strength to take him in and confirm that, yes, compassion and understanding balance out all that we lack.

When the soldier, who has let us all know that he is studying for a master’s degree with his opportunity to learn more about the world, finishes his speech, everyone rises, not just that brave girl. And everyone applauds him for his courage not only to risk his life for all, but his clarity in speaking up for something all too hard for many to see — that a world that is free and fair for everyone is worth fighting for.

As a teacher, I was privileged to hear the soldier’s message and the embracing girl’s pure show of support. I was also moved to become ever more resolved to drive home the message of freedom and equality so that my children will flourish and advocate others to be able to enjoy the same benefits.

This message has never been more crucial than in this new year, with a new presidential administration at the center of debate over how this country can move toward unity in the midst of intense disagreement and, at times, hate. Intolerance has reared its ugly head in many ways, more unfiltered than I have seen in my lifetime. It worries me, upsets me, and occasionally has me at a loss for how to move forward.

Yet, I feel compelled to find answers for my children and even for the students I teach. One answer is to get my family out of the house and travel the city, state, and country to see and meet people with backgrounds that differ from ours, in other environments. Another solution is to put as many books, TV programs, and films in front of them that show diverse perspectives. And it remains more vital than ever for me to encourage and fund as much formal education as my children can handle because knowledge really is the power we need more than ever.

These may seem obvious ideas, but they provide the experience and information children must have to understand others as well as themselves.

One more tack I resolve to focus on is to listen more intently to my children. They have viewpoints that will influence the future I hope to live in for at least a couple of decades. Judging by the audience that heard the soldier speak, many of today’s young people greatly value diversity and tolerance. They are better than most of us older folks at listening to opposing opinions, and unafraid of expressing their own. I have much to learn from them and must be willing to do so. After all, if I am doing anything right as a parent, they will be part of the generation to help this country come together more than I ever could.

© 2017 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.

Posted in Adolescence, Boys to Men, Columns by Family Man, Ethics, Morals, Perspective, Social Action, Teens, Tweens, Values | Leave a comment

Life is a Sandwich

SandwichGenBy Gregory Keer

If you ask my wife, I am forever trying to catch up with her. When we walk the dog together, she’s booking down the road like a New Yorker trying to catch a cab while I mosey behind like a movie cowboy after a giant breakfast. Speaking of eating, my children constantly complain of how deliberate I consume dinner. I eat the way a worm might chew on a peanut butter sandwich.

Yet, when it came to starting a family, I was not alone in my slowness. While I was taking a circuitous career path through various writing and teaching gigs, my wife was also wending her way through graduate school. Neither of us was ready to have kids in such uncertainty, particularly because we were making only enough money to get by.

By the time our first child entered the world, Wendy and I were into our 30s, a decade older than our parents were when they began having kids. But we had jobs, just enough money to buy a small house, and a surrounding family populated by our son’s grandparents, several great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, and plenty of friends. We had love and support and a constantly growing wave of positivity that built as Wendy and I developed meaningful careers while we grew our family with only rare cloudy days to darken a bounty of sunshine. Life ambled at a pace that felt just right.

As I hit the late-40s of my charmed existence, the speed of existence revved up. My father came down with a virulent strain of cancer and was gone within five months. It happened so fast, I’m not sure I had enough time to draw a full breath. Now, I feel as if it was merely yesterday that he was with us. I still imagine life with him around to applaud his grandchildren’s accomplishments and just to talk about baseball on a Sunday.

Within a year of my father’s passing, my father-in-law’s health began to deteriorate due to Lewy body dementia and Parkinson’s disease. Sheldon was always a rock of a guy, a man of few words, but enduring support of his family. Worse for me has been watching my wife struggle to help him, her mom, and her sisters cope with the kind of extra care he needs to merely live out his days in ever-dimming light.

I write all of this to gain perspective on being in what is commonly called a “sandwich,” of being some kind of mystery meat between the slice of life that is raising children and the slice that is caring for aging parents. Sure, I saw a number of our friends scrambling to pick up kids from carpool and aid them with their college applications while helping parents stricken by everything from illness to financial woes. But that wasn’t supposed to happen in my family. We were meant to get our children through university, first jobs, and maybe even marriage before our parents started to fade. We had plans for our parents to coach us through a few more trials with the kids and regaling us with the wisdom of experience so that we could just enjoy the highlights of success.

Instead, we are dealing with pediatricians and geriatricians, nurturing our children’s wills while reading our parents’ wills, cheering at soccer games and hoping our remaining parents will still be able to recall our names.

Clearly, living in the sandwich is no picnic, but — it is vital to turn the sandwich into a feast of thanksgiving. We really have so much to be grateful for in that we have had parents in our lives who have loved us, taught us, and guided us so that we can bring up our own kids. We must be thankful that these parents have cherished and rejoiced in their grandchildren, and that these grandchildren have been lucky enough to be spoiled and schooled by their grandparents for every year they have had with them.

We must also appreciate that we still have a gaggle of grandmothers, and one great-grandmother, who are full of life despite the losses they have undergone or are undergoing. These women constantly remind us that the road provides plenty of detours yet strength and a focus on love keeps us all on a path of good surprises.

This Thanksgiving will be nothing like I would have imagined. It will not have all the people we would have wanted to be there and the conversation might be more about medical procedures than report cards. However, it will be a table around which sit vibrant living people and wondrous spirits who help us slow down to savor the time we have with each other.

© 2016 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.


Posted in Aging, Columns by Family Man, Grandparents, Holidays | Leave a comment