April Highlights Autism Awareness and Child-Abuse Prevention

Posted on April 11, 2012 by Family Man

April is both Autism Awareness Month as well as Child-Abuse Prevention Month. Both of these concern the welfare of children and deserve our attention whether they affect us directly or not. As a father and educator, I have met a number of children who have been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or autism. As I write this posting, I know I need to teach my own children more about the friends they have who are affected by autism, though we have had discussions about the need to include people with differences in our lives rather than separate from them.

The Autism Speaks site explains that, “Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and autism are both general terms for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors.” The site goes on to explain that “the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) identify around 1 in 88 American children as on the autism spectrum–a ten-fold increase in prevalence in 40 years.” The CDC also cites statistics to show that autism is diagnosed more commonly in boys than in girls. To learn more about autism, a couple of key Web sites include the one for Autism Speaks and the Autism Society.

With regard to child-abuse prevention, this topic is more relevant than ever, given our needed increase in sensitivity to children bullying other children. One reason bullying exists is because kids are abused, either physically or psychologically by the adults in their lives. A new book is coming out that has an interesting approach to making us all more sensitive to the subject. Written by Magdalena Gómez and María Luisa Arroyo, Bullying: Replies, Rebuttals, Confessions and Catharsis (Skyhorse Publishing, May 2012) is an anthology of stories, poems, and plays that help illuminate the experience for children, from an inter-generational and multicultural perspective.

Please share your thoughts and suggestions about these topics by posting a comment whenever you wish.

Posted in Anger Management, Blog, Books, Child Development, Health, Protecting Children, Special Needs | 1 Comment

Family Man Recommends: Best Albums of 2011

Posted on January 16, 2012 by Family Man

My annual personal stress-inducing analysis of the year’s finest albums for families has finally come to this. Below are my top ten picks for the best family music recordings (of those released between November 1, 2010 and October 31, 2011). Congratulations to the winners. Note that links lead to either the FMR review or directly to the artist Web page if there is no applicable review. Some reviews are in the QuickPicks, so read through for the appropriate title. Here’s to a new year ahead of equally terrific tunes!

  1. Dan Zanes and Friends – Little Nut Tree
  2. The Jimmies- Practically Ridiculous
  3. Recess Monkey – Flying!
  4. The Deedle Deedle Dees – Strange Dees, Indeed.
  5. Lunch Money – Original Friend
  6. ScribbleMonster – Look Both Ways
  7. Frances England – Mind of My Own
  8. Caspar Babypants – Sing Along
  9. Lucky Diaz and The Family Jam Band – Oh Lucky Day!
  10. Todd McHatton – Galactic Champions of Joy

Honorable Mentions: The Not Its – Tag You’re It, Brady Rymer – Love Me for Who I Am, Alastair Moock – These Are My Friends, Papa Crow – Things That Roar, Beethoven’s Wig – Sing Along Piano Classics, Too Many Cookes – Down At The Zoo, Trout Fishing in America – Chicken Joe Forgets Something Important, Chip Taylor – Golden Kid Rules, Rocknoceros – Colonel Purple Turtle, Sunshine Collective – Wanna Play?

Posted in Blog, Family Man Recommends, Family Music, Music | 1 Comment

New Michael Gurian Book on Helping Boys

Posted on January 16, 2012 by Family Man

As the father of three boys and a longtime educator of high school students, I see the challenges boys face in growing up amidst changing ideas about male identity. This is not to say that girls have it easier, certainly not, but there is clearly a need to approach the uniqueness of gender as kids grow up, which is something often lacking in the worlds of education and even psychology.

This is why I highly recommend the books of Michael Gurian, who has become one of the foremost gender experts as a result of decades of work as a family therapist, researcher, and educator. Gurian has written such tomes as The Wonder of Boys , Boys and Girls Learn Differently, and The Wonder of Girls, and has now released How Do I Help Him? A Practitioners Guide to Working With Boys. This book is not just for mental health professionals, though, as it offers assistance for parents who are seeking help for their sons, fathers who need help, and couples looking for marital or relationship counseling that includes men. Gurian’s writing goes beyond the usual pop-culture obviousness and offers real insights for those who want to help raise healthier boys and make the lives of men better in general.

Posted in Adolescence, Blog, Books, Child Development, Gender | Leave a comment

Surviving Shopping with Kids

Posted on December 16, 2011 by Family Man

By Gregory Keer

I am usually a last-minute shopper, which makes things even more intense. But as life gets busier, I’ve found that thinking ahead — if not shopping in advance — can go a long way toward making gift buying much easier. I’ve tried all of the following (though not always in the same year), which can help you manage this crazy season.

1. Have Fun

First, if you really think about, shopping for kids is one of life’s true pleasures. Buying something you worked hard to pay for and that you chose just for your child is wonderful. It’s also a way to live vicariously through your kids, buying things you would’ve liked to play with and certainly items you want to use in interacting with your kids. That being said, this is all a stressful proposition that you should plan for, so…

2. Lower Stress

Start early and shop at odd hours to lower the stress level. And don’t shop hungry — low blood sugar or high blood sugar can be dangerous (for you and the kids)!

3. Money Isn’t Everything

Set a budget and perhaps a number of toys you plan to get. Remember that grandparents and friends may give gifts, so do not feel pressured to ply your child with too much. They will ignore most of their toys within days if not minutes. You might even consider giving your little one a box to play with. No joke, but kids can hide, make puppet shows, forts, and more with just a big old box.

4. Age Appropriateness

Especially for younger kids, opt for items that require children to manipulate them. Too many electronic games do stuff automatically. Children develop motor skills and cognitive skills with toys they can build, stack, and color. Toys that multitask and can be combined with other things. Imagination is key – cars, character sets, i.e., Rescue Heroes and Barbies.

For the older kids, video and computer games are hard to avoid. Decide how much violence you want them to see in these games. Some research says these games are actually healthy, though never in large doses. Older kids tend to also like clothes, music, DVDs, and even cash to spend how they wish. With younger kids, you will shop with them, but older ones might like to get a budget and shop for themselves. Giving them money helps them focus on the task at hand and may get them in the spirit of giving. They may even do some additional chores to earn extra money.

5. Balance What They Want with What They Should Have

If you want guaranteed smiles, be sure to buy kids at least something that they asked for. On the other hand, you can select one or two things you think they should have, something education or challenging. If you’re really clever, you can lobby onto your child’s wish list if you make subtle suggestions like, “Your friend Jacob has a chemistry set. Isn’t that cool?”

6. Gender Gap

The gap is thinner than it used to be now that young boys will play with dolls and young girls covet baseball mitts. Even older boys are more into clothes than they used to be. Still, young boys favor trucks, superheroes, and trains while girls love dress-up clothes — princesses are bigger than ever — dolls, and fashion accessories. That being said, a creative purchase for boys or girls is costumes for imaginative play.

7. Types of Stores

Toy stores, video game stores, book stores, shoe stores, clothing stores, sporting goods shops. Bookstores are especially fine places to shop and not feel guilty. Think about balancing your list with items from the above kinds of stores.

Fun Ways to Make Lists

1. Stay Focused

Go in with a list to limit the tantrums and negotiations. You will probably have a fair amount of repartee with your child, simply because toy stores are meant to overwhelm parents and kids with all that can be had. So don’t expect a pain-free experience. On the other hand, do expect to have a good time. Pay attention at birthday parties; see what kids get and like. Pay attention at playdates and other social visits. What does your child love? If they can write (or need the practice), have them write their own list.

2. Prioritize

Kids ask for things all the time. On the list, prioritize those items that they ask for more than once or twice.

3. Written Promises

Whatever your child doesn’t get, write the item down on a new list for their birthday or next year. This will lessen the crying and whining

A Nifty Trick & A Warning

1. Try hiding some still-packaged toys and pulling them out of the closet for well-timed opportunities throughout the year.

2. Regarding toy safety, it’s best to stick with box recommendations and use your good sense about potentially dangerous toys.

While anxiety is an organic element of holiday shopping, these suggestions can truly help you minimize some of the big issues. The more you plan in advance, the more this experience will be about spending time with and teaching your kids a few things about the world of commerce.

Posted in Activities With Kids, Blog, Holidays, Parenting Stress | Leave a comment

Football & Secrets: Nothing Should Go Before Child Protection

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Family Man

 

The scandal that has rocked the Nittany Lions football program and Penn State University itself will not leave the public consciousness for a long, long time. And it shouldn’t. So many people, from sports columnists to psychologists to the President himself have commented on something that should never have happened. If you’ve been hiding under a rock, or are simply a person who (understandably) finds so much of the news full of darkness that you cannot bear to tune in, you can read about the facts here.

I’m not sure I have anything new or profound to help make sense of this situation, which will only get worse for the people involved, but one thing many, including me, want to make clear: this must scare all of us adults into doing a better job of protecting children. A large number of people — Penn State head coach Joe Paterno, the university’s president, the assistant coach who witnessed a horrible crime — did not do what should have been done in the interest of those boys who were being hurt by Sandusky. They should have prioritized above everything else — above the football program, their own reputations, the university, friendship, whatever — the security of those boys.

Now, more facts about this case will become clear. And I do hope that my own doubts about the morals of those who did not act more strenuously to see that those children were helped will be cleared with evidence that shows that the bystanders actually did more than they did. However, so many details have been revealed that there is no way this could have gone on for all the years it did without some serious negligence.

As a man, I am so profoundly ashamed that anyone could be so otherwise preoccupied to let harm come to children. In this time of uncertainty, in an election year in which we are all politicizing our values, I believe we must prioritize our children above all else. We must educate them — give them the power to believe in themselves and their intellectual abilties — so that they can be less susceptible to manipulation. We must educate and support all parents — whatever their background or economic status — so they can be better equipped to provide for and protect their children. So much of this is about communication in order to keep kids far away from those who would manipulate and prey upon their weaknesses. If we do these things, in addition to better and more prompt legal protection, then we can put a dent in these kinds of terrible consequences.

If you are inclined, please comment and keep the discussion going. I believe a lot will be done by the authorities to help the victims now. What we all can do, though, is help prevent more children from becoming victims.

Posted in Blog, Protecting Children | 2 Comments

Family Man Recommends: Quick Picks for October

Posted on October 11, 2011 by Family Man

This month’s FMR: Quick Picks is headlined by the latest offering from the legendary Smithsonian Folkways label, Chip Taylor & The Grandkids – Golden Kids Rules. Best known as the songwriter of “Wild Thing” and “Angel of the Morning,” Taylor trades rock and pop for the quieter appeal of folk-based songs sung with his own grandchildren. Sample “I’m Just Thinkin’ About You,” “Magical Horse,” and “Kids to Save the Planet,” among others.

Boston folk-scene staple Alastair Moock follows up his terrific 2009 debut family CD, A Cow Says Moock, with the equally fine These Are My Friends. HIghlights include the knee-slapping “Feets Up” (with Rani Arbo), the delightfully mixed up “CBAs and a Twinkle Baa,” and the catchy and nonsensical “From Me to You.”

Last but hardly least is the new Beethoven’s Wig release, Sing Along Piano Classics. Richarl Perlmutter, the multi-award-winning mind behind this wacky yet educational series of CDs dips into his bottomless well of tongue-twisting lyrics that accompany the classical originals. Lend your ears to such tracks as “Poor Uncle Joe” (based on Chopin’s “Funeral March”), “A Piano is Stuck in the Door” (Scott Joplin’s “The Entertainer”), and “Voyage to the Moon” (Debussy’s “Clair de Lune”).

Posted in Blog, Family Man Recommends, Family Music, Music | Leave a comment

Guest Blog: 3 Most Common Parent-Kid Fights and How to Stop Them

Posted on September 11, 2011 by Family Man

By Vanessa Van Petten

When I was a teenager it felt like my parents and I got in the same fights over and over again. After working with thousands of teens and parents I have realized that there are several common fights parents have with their teens. Below, I have described these three fights and offered some solutions for stopping the argument cycle.

1. The “It’s Not Fair” Fight

Examples:

– Older brother gets to stay out late with his friends. Teen finds this grossly unfair.

– Parent gets to have soda, child does not. Teen finds this grossly unfair.

– Teenager cannot buy new outfit for dance because it is too expensive. Teen finds this grossly unfair.

Emotional Intent: When you hear a teen talk about how unfair something is, what they are often feeling is, “I am not important or special enough.” If you feel like your teenager is constantly arguing about justice or fairness, they are most likely feeling like they are not being heard or cared about enough to get what they want. Of course, this is usually not the case. In the examples above parents would be worried about safety, health and money, while teens feel like they are not as important as their sibling, that their parents do not understand how important the dance is, and so on.

Solutions: The best way to stop the “it’s Not Fair” fight is to address the emotional intent. The best way to do this is for parents to push into the “it’s not fair” feeling from their children instead of pushing against it. For instance in the new outfit example a parent might say to their teen, “I hear you think this is unfair, will you tell me why?” A teen will most likely respond, “You buy stuff for yourself all the time,” or “But I deserve this dress.” These answers are important because it will show the parent the emotional intent behind the upset and feelings of injustice. If a parent addresses these by saying something like, “I could see how you feel like us not buying this for you is about you not feeling worthy. But the truth is we are trying to save for the big vacation we are taking this summer—which is for all of us. I know how important this dance is for you. Maybe we can get you a new pair of shoes or…” then the fight is stopped.

2. The “Treat Me Like A Grown-Up” Fight

Examples:

– Teen wants to be able to stay out late with friends. Parents say no. Teen thinks they are being treated like a child.

– Teen wants to go away for Spring Break, parents say no. Teen thinks they are being treated like a child.

Emotional Intent: Most fights during the teen years are actually based in this ‘treat me like a grown-up’ motivation. The earlier you can catch and address it the better it will be. It derives from the fundamental pulling away that comes with a teen trying to assert their independence.

Solutions: It is very important for parents to discuss reasons for decisions that are making a teenager angry. This way teens are sure to understand the real reasons for a parent’s choice. Another great way to help teenagers get less upset in fights surrounding their maturity is for parents to help teens feel mature in other ways. For example, perhaps parents do not want their teen to go away for the whole Spring Break because they want to have family time. A great way to address this with teens is to say clearly, “We really want to have family time with you, but we know you are getting older, so how about you do a weekend camping trip with your friends for one of the weekends.” This teaches teens you trust them, but it is all about balancing needs.

3. The “We Are a Different Person” Fight

Examples:

– Parent wants their teen to join band, teen doesn’t want to.

– Parent expects higher grades and when teen doesn’t do well, a huge fight ensues.

– Teen does not keep room tidy, parent gets upset when guests come over.

Emotional Intent: Often times teenagers tell me that they will purposefully keep their room dirty or choose unapproved hobbies just so they can be different from their parents. Parents frequently misinterpret room cleaning or bad grades for laziness, when something deeper might be going on. Teenagers often will ‘misbehave’ or fight with parents simply to show them that they are their own person—even if it gets them into trouble.

Solutions: First, it’s important to make sure that you do want your child to be their own person. Be careful not to push expectations or your own goals onto your kids. Second, make sure teenagers know that some of the requirements you have for them (good grades a tidy room for guests) are not to make them feel less like an individual, but for them to have more choices in their future and to present a nice home to guests. I recommend parents being very direct with teenagers about their need to be ‘their own person’ you might be surprised what common fights are actually based in this emotional intent.

Overall, fighting can be stressful, but teenagers often tell us that ‘fighting’ with their parents is their way of discussing issues. Look at fights as a way of getting to know a new aspect of your teens and be open with them about hoping to stop harmful cycles. 

Vanessa Van Petten is one of the nation’s youngest experts, or ‘youthologists’ on parenting and adolescents. She now runs her popular parenting website, RadicalParenting.com, which she writes with 120 other teenage writers to answer questions from parents and adults. Her approach has been featured by CNN, Fox News, and Wall Street Journal. She was also on the Real Housewives of Orange County helping the housewives with troubled teens. Her new book, Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded?, was just released in September 2011 with Plume Books of Penguin USA.

Posted in Adolescence, Blog, Books, Child Development, Family Man Recommends, Teens, Tweens | Leave a comment

Reaction to “Beyond the Lesson Plan”

Posted on August 12, 2011 by Family Man

My friend Adam Turteltaub, one of the best dads and human beings I know, had this reflection in response to the column about the need for teachers to go “Beyond the Lesson Plan.”

Adam explains, “My least favorite teacher was my art teacher. He was famous for his long, grey hair and even longer, grey beard at a time when all teachers wore their hair short. He would give long lectures on the environment or whatever else he felt like. One day, bored out of my mind, I was absent-mindedly clicking open and closed my watercolor tin, and he pointed at me and announced to the class, “It’s idiots like this that make it impossible for me to teach.” It was way out of line, and after class, I asked him if he just called me an idiot in front of the class, to which he replied, “If the shoe fits, put it on.” Idiotic on his part.

“I told my parents who told the school, and the art teacher never looked me in the eye again.

“I related that story to a group of old elementary school friends on Facebook. It was fascinating to see the responses. Some, who had talent, were lavish in their praise of him and what he did for them. Others, who  were untalented like me, were scathing. It made me think that a truly good teacher is one, like your Dr. Kleinz, who was as good for the good students as he was for the bad ones.”

Posted in Adolescence, Blog, Columns by Family Man, Education | Leave a comment

Vote for FamilyManOnline.com in Parents Magazine Competition

Posted on August 10, 2011 by Family Man

Please vote for my site as Best Daddy Blog in the Parents Magazine blog awards competition? Even if nothing comes of this, the pink badge doesn’t look half bad on my home page. Parents Magazine asks for demographic info, so I apologize for that, but the magazine has done very good work over the years in informing parents. Please vote and tell friends, Thanks very much for your support.

Posted in Blog, Family Man in the News | Leave a comment

Vanessa Van Petten on Assisting Kids With Homework

Posted on August 9, 2011 by Family Man

Vanessa Van Petten, the ground-breaking writer and publisher of RadicalParenting.com, focuses on assisting parents in raising teenagers. Her approach is to offer moms and dads windows into the teenage mind by posting articles based on her experience researching adolescents but also providing articles written by teens that directly speak to what they want parents to know. For this month’s back-to-school theme, here is one of Vanessa’s most useful pieces on How Parents Can (Successfully) Help Kids With Homework.

Posted in Blog, Education, Teens | Leave a comment