Modeling a Good Marriage for the Kids

By Gregory Keer

Today, we have more solo parents, divorced parents, and parents who live together but choose not to marry than ever before. In those situations, there are countless moms and dads who do amazing work in raising their children. However, if marriage works well for you, here are some key points to considering you want to model a good union to the children…

Constructive Disagreement

The most important thing about bickering—or even yelling with your spouse—in front of the kids is that it ends in calm resolution. My wife can have a short fuse and I can simmer so long that eventually I explode. But we always conclude with a hug and a kiss. Often, we tell the kids, “Mommy and Daddy are sorry we got so upset, but we love each other and have fixed our problem.” While it’d be nice if we didn’t argue in full view of the kids, our emotions do get the best of us. By showing the resolution for our kids, we model for them that people who love each other can disagree without bad feelings lasting forever. We are also showing them that disagreement can be handled verbally and not physically. Now, when our kids see us fight, they either ignore us or ask us to stop. When they do ask us for a ceasefire, we halt the argument — until they go to bed.

Love and Affection

Although you should probably think twice about making out or copping a feel with your spouse while the kids look on, hugging, kissing, and holding hands is highly recommended. The advice about being affectionate with your children is well documented, but many people shy away from being tastefully physical with their partner because they’re embarrassed or are just plumb too busy to put their arm around their spouse or kiss him or her on the cheek. Random acts of touch help keep a marriage alive and show kids the importance of contact in a healthy relationship. It will not dawn on kids until they’re older, but it also conveys that affection need not always be overtly sexual. Parents who hug and kiss hello and goodbye, as well as cuddle on the couch during family movie night, model a closeness that will inform the relationships their children have when it’s their turn to get a little closer to someone they like.

Lots to Talk About

Studies reveal that the more parents talk to their children from birth (even before birth), the more likely that the kids will be verbally proficient. The same applies to marriages. Talking a lot to your partner not only helps keep you both in the know about each other’s thoughts, it exhibits to the children one of the most significant qualities of a good relationship. Communicating with your significant other over breakfast, lunch, dinner, in the car, and on the phone lets the kids see that talking creates harmony. Silence is golden on occasion, to show the young ones that you don’t always have to talk to be at-one with your partner, but offering a daily example of how to verbalize emotions and information will help your children in any relationship. Key topics to present in front of your kids involve asking each other about the day, inquiring about future plans, discussing the news and culture, and seeking input on everyday decisions. This last topic is a good one to show the value of interdependence and the respect two people have for each other’s opinion.

Alone Time

Being a good parent is certainly about spending a lot of interactive time as a family unit. It’s also about getting quality moments with your husband or wife. Children need to know that Mom and Dad have a relationship with one another, not just with them. They should see that it’s okay for parents to be apart from the kids on a consistent basis so they know for themselves that, at the center of many successful families, is a successful partnership. Plan on weekly (at minimum biweekly) date nights to let kids know grown-ups need time alone. Doing this regularly helps children be more comfortable with parents going out. When you do go out, you should be sure to have a good time — seeing a grown-up movie, eating leisurely, being out with other adults, whatever it takes to feel like a couple, not just parental units. It’s also wise to enforce bedtimes so Mommy and Daddy can have alone time.

Playfulness

You don’t always have to go out of the house to show your kids that you’re having a good time. Laughing with each other displays how much fun you have with your partner. Let the children see you tickle each other, crack (G-rated) adult jokes, play checkers, even wrestle so they can see playfulness as one of the significant facets to a relationship. Don’t be afraid to have the kids see you being silly. In fact, next time you’re at a party with a karaoke machine, perform a duet with your partner. You’ll laugh and embarrass the kids more than yourselves. And your children will get a glimpse of the crazy-in-love people you once were — and hopefully always will be.