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What Dads Need to Know: Ten Tips to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child

Posted on April 5, 2011 by Family Man

By Dr. Jenn Berman

Intelligence experts estimate that only 20% of a person’s success is attributed to IQ but that as much as the entire remaining 80 percent may be a direct result of what has become known as EQ, or emotional intelligence. Psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer who are believed to have first coined the term “emotional intelligence,” define it as “a subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others, feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.” People who have a high EQ exhibit the following:

– Impulse control

– Problem solving skills

– Empathy

– The ability to self-soothe

– The ability to delay gratification

– Self motivation

– Read other people’s emotional cues

– Self esteem

– Adaptability

– Resilience

– The ability to identify, express and understand feelings

The Dumbing Down of America?

While children have gotten intellectually smarter over the years, emotional intelligence has not risen accordingly. Scientists have noted the “Flynn Effect”, apparent since the advent of IQ testing a century ago, that in every industrialized nation each successive generation has scored higher than the previous generation. American IQs, for example, have consistently risen by an average of 8 points per generation. EQ, on the other hand, appears to have plummeted. Out of control violence, mental illness, risky sexual behavior, poor impulse control and school drop out rates are indicators of this problematic trend.

The Benefits of High EQ

According to Lawrence Shapiro, PhD, the author of How to Raise a Child With a High EQ, “having a high EQ may be more important to success in life than a high IQ as measured by a standardized test of verbal and nonverbal cognitive intelligence.” Children who have high EQs achieve better academically, have fewer temper tantrums, are better problem solvers, are less impulsive, have better attention spans, are more motivated, physically healthier and are more well-liked by their peers. The great news about EQ is that parents are the greatest influencers of high EQ scores. Children learn most of their emotional lessons from their parents and so there is a lot that parents can do if they are interested in increase their children’s EQ.

10 Things Parents Can Do to Increase EQ

1. Pay attention to your child’s cues, starting from birth.

Studies show that infants whose caretakers don’t pay attention to their cues have difficulty developing the ability to regulate their own emotions. If, for example, a mother with post-partum depression is too depressed to respond to her child’s cues, that baby might give up on crying as a means of communication and become passive and disengaged. Without his mother’s help learning how to calm himself down, he may not learn effective calming skills.

2. Teach self calming skills.

An anxious baby cannot recognize social cues from those around him and an anxious child cannot learn in school or make friends. Children look to their parents to gain these soothing skills. An easy way for parents to help is to hold, rock, talk to and sing to their children to help them calm down. As children get older, their skills become more complex. When my daughter Quincy was 18 months old she went through a period when she was waking up during the night and having trouble calming herself back to sleep. Every night before she went to sleep I would talk to her about “The Plan.” I told her that when she had trouble sleeping that she should put her pacifier in her mouth, hug her piggy (a stuffed animal) and snuggle with her blanket. I made these suggestions based on my own observations of what had worked for her previously. The plan became so ingrained that sometimes she would start to cry and remind herself out loud, “paci, piggy, blanket.”

3. Help children understand and identify their emotions.

For young children, intense emotions can be scary and overwhelming. Identifying and labeling their emotions can normalize those emotions and allow kids to identify the responses in others which ultimately helps them to develop empathy. Believe it or not, studies show that the act of labeling an emotion can have a soothing effect on the nervous system which allows kids to recover more quickly from upsetting events. According to John Gottman, PhD, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, “This doesn’t mean telling kids how they ought to feel. It simply means helping them develop a vocabulary with which to express their emotions.”

4. Reduce television viewing.

The average child spends 38 hours each week watching television. According to Shapiro, “it is passive time spent in front of the TV that stunts the growth of EQ skills.” Studies show that children who watch a lot of TV are more fearful, anxious, and aggressive as well as desensitized to the pain and suffering of others than that of their peers who watch less television. Experts have found that children who are frequently exposed to inappropriate images and situations are 11 times more likely to be disruptive, fight with family members, hit other kids and destroy property. To make that statistic stand out even more, those same researchers claim that children who watched a lot of TV when they were eight years old are more likely to be arrested and prosecuted for criminal acts as adults than their peers who did not watch as much TV. To add insult to injury, all that tube time is time not spent interacting with peers, developing social skills, or problem-solving.

5. Give accurate praise.

Give accurate, honest praise that reflects back to your child an accurate mirror of her accomplishments. Excessive and lavish praise prevents children from seeing you as an accurate judge of her abilities and prevents her from getting to know her own strengths and weaknesses.

6. Teach problem solving.

The ability to solve problems is developed primarily from experience. Sometimes it is easier for parents to solve their child’s problem rather than teach them how to do it on their own. Children start to learn to problem solve in infancy. When my daughter Mendez was 9 months old we were sitting together while she played with a ball. The ball slipped out of her hands and rolled away from her, just outside of her reach. My first instinct was to solve the problem for her and hand her the ball, but I held back and allowed her to solve the problem for herself. She ultimately crawled over to the ball stretching in a way she never had before and proudly showed me the ball. As children become more verbal, they tend to need their parents to brainstorm problem solving ideas with them. The keys for parents is sending the message that every problem has a solution and having the patience to help children find their own age-appropriate resolutions.

7. Model empathy.

Empathy, which usually develops within the first six years of life, is the ability to understand the perspective of another person and on a deeper level to feel what another person is feeling. When parents can demonstrate empathy to their children it makes those children feel supported and allows them to see their parents as allies. According to Gottman, “If we can communicate this kind of intimate emotional understanding to our children, we give credence to their experience and help them learn to soothe themselves.” Empathetic children have a much better time making and keeping friends.

8. Set clear limits and enforce them consistently.

Giving your children clear and consistent rules shows them you care about their well-being and makes them feel safe. Imagine driving your car in a world with no rules or regulations to aid drivers; it would be chaotic and scary. A home without consistent rules for a child is the same as a lawless road. Children need boundaries to feel contained and cared about. Without rules to live by and the ability to follow the “laws” of the family, children grow up anxious and disrespectful. They believe it is permissible to behave however they choose because no one has taught them otherwise. This creates narcissistic children who lack empathy and emotional intelligence.

9. Allow your children to suffer the consequences of their actions.

Helping children understand at an early age that they are responsible for the choices they make as well as for the consequences of their actions promotes a sense of mastery and self confidence. One of the most difficult tasks for parents to master is allowing their kids to suffer the consequences of their choices and actions. But in order for children to grow up to become responsible, high EQ adults, this is a crucial developmental step for them to take.

10. Don’t protect your kids from all of life’s stresses, pains and difficulties.

Coping with stress and pain is the best way to learn coping skills. While children should not be exposed to material that is beyond their comprehension or development, they should be exposed to day to day stress and difficulties. When Carol and James started to notice that Buster, the elderly family dog, was nearing the end, Carol started to talk about death with four-year-old Stella. When Buster passed away they allowed Stella to see them cry and talked to her about their grief. This helped her to understand her own grieving process, develop empathy and normalize her own feelings.

Dr. Jenn Berman is a Marriage, Family and Child Therapist in private practice in Los Angeles. She has appeared as a psychological expert on hundreds of television shows including The Oprah Winfrey Show and is a regular on The Today Show, The Early Show, and CNN. She hosts a live daily call-in advice show called “The Love and Sex Show with Dr. Jenn” on Sirius/XM’s Cosmo Radio 5-7 pm PST (heard five hours a day seven days a week). She is the author of the LA Times best selling books SuperBaby: 12 Ways to Give Your Child a Head Start in the First 3 Years, The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy Confident Kids, and the children’s book Rockin’ Babies. Dr. Jenn is also on the Board of Advisors for Parents Magazine. In addition, Dr. Jenn has an eco-friendly clothing line for adults and children called Retail Therapy . All the tees have positive “feel good” messages and are made of organic and recycled materials. Dr. Jenn lives in Los Angeles with her husband and twin daughters. For more information on go to www.DoctorJenn.com or follow her on Twitter at www.Twitter.com/drjennberman and www.Facebook.com/DrJennBerman.

Posted in Child Development, Featured Moms & Dads, What Dads Need to Know | Leave a comment

Dr. Keer on Kids: Interviewing a Pediatrician

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Family Man

By Kenneth R. Keer, M.D.

Q: We’re about to give birth and want to find the right doctor for our child. What questions should I ask?

A: Interviewing a prospective pediatrician is similar to interviewing and choosing other professional service providers be they accountants, attorneys, or dentists. You want your professional to be qualified, accessible, and affordable. There is however, one major factor that must exist between parents to-be-and a doctor. That factor is the ease of communication. Being a parent involves on-the-job training and parents must feel comfortable asking questions of the doctor without feeling rushed, intimidated or “talked down to.” A physician may be a brilliant clinician but if he or she cannot communicate with the patient or the parents, the effectiveness of the doctoring is severely compromised. Besides determining the ability to communicate, the interviewing parents should answer some other questions.

1. Is the pediatrician involved in a teaching program at a children’s hospital?

This is one of the best ways for a busy pediatrician to keep current on new advances in medicine.

2. Is the doctor board certified or board eligible in his or hers specialty?

This shows the doctor adheres to the rigorous standards of an organization such as the American Board of Pediatrics or the American Board of Osteopathic Pediatrics.

3. What are the office hours and what is the doctor’s availability?

It doesn’t help to have a pediatrician who isn’t available 50-percent of the time because of extensive vacations, splitting time between two or more offices or other situations that decrease availability. It is also wise to determine who is available for your family when your primary physician is not.

4. Does the doctor have a similar philosophy to yours with regard to the use of antibiotics, emphasis on breast-feeding, openness to alternative medicine, etc.?

Try to get a feeling about the doctor’s willingness to discuss topics that may be controversial or are of concern to you.

5. Does the office accept your insurance plan?

If you cannot afford an office because the doctor is not on your plan then you must go elsewhere. There are other competent doctors who will probably be on your insurance plan. It is a shame, though, that patients no longer have total freedom to choose doctors of their choice.

In summary, remember the 4 “A’s”

– ABILITY

– AFFABILITY

– AVAILABILITY

– AFFORDABILITY

These are good guidelines for choosing a doctor for your children who will be part of your team for childcare and guidance.

NOTE: The information provided through “Dr. Keer On Kids” is for general education purposes. It is meant to aid you in discussing your specific medical or health issues with your physician or qualified health-care provider. The information is not intended as a substitute for personal health-care advice, or for diagnosis or treatment. You should always consult your physician or other qualified health-care provider as soon as possible about any medical or health-related questions. Do not wait for a response from our expert before this consultation.

Dr. Kenneth R. Keer is a board-certified pediatrician with offices in Tarzana, California. He has practiced medicine for more than 40 years. Send your questions to him at gregory@familymanonline.com.

Posted in Featured Moms & Dads, Health | Leave a comment

Dating Dad: Tween

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Family Man

I’m sitting at the airport in Detroit, after returning from a quick, 14 hour visit to Toledo, where I spoke to a room full of sixth- and seventh-graders at a book festival, and then signed copies of Ray Reflected.

The handlers and organizers who drove me around, settled me in the room where I spoke, and even fed me, were all parents. Actually, they were all Jewish mothers of kids and young adults, and they all asked me about Simone — what was she like, did she enjoy the book, what kinds of books did she read. I found myself talking about her even more than usual, and even mentioning her a few times in my chat with the kids.

What I happened to mention more than once was that, these days, Simone calls me “Dude” just as often as she calls me “Dad.”

I got a taste of what’s just around the corner last week, when she and I went to a middle school “visitation.” Simone wants to audition for a local school of the arts next year, and this was our opportunity to get in there and check it out.

So last Friday morning, I battled the snooze on my iPhone alarm just a couple of times, and dragged myself out of bed at 5:30 in the morning. Even with the reprieve that the recent end of daylight saving brought, it was still nighttime dark, without even a hint of dawn sneaking through the spaces between my blinds. After a shower and some swipes with the razor, I was in Simone’s room, gently pulling back the covers, and coaxing her awake.

Simone’s never had a typical little girl’s room, what with the dinosaur art on the wall (posters and her own illustrations), tubs overflowing with plush toys (predominantly reptiles and other non-furry creatures), and bookshelves packed with novels, picture books, and non-fiction tomes on prehistoric life. You’d still find a pile of sillybandz on her desk, but you’d also notice Bagel, the fire-bellied toad she’s had in a tank since she was three years old.

So it’s not a girly room, but the experience of it has changed a bit in the last few months — undergarments that didn’t make it into her hamper no longer have cute animated figures on them, and now she’s wearing two pieces under her clothes; she’s always been an advanced reader, but now her fiction and fantasy is veering into the young adult, rather than middle grade; and then there’s the sleeping girl herself — long legs flung out of the covers at bottom of the bed and messy, dyed hair sticking out from under her comforter; with a sleep perfume that has changed, too — it’s still the unique, warm, and familiar smell that accompanies my sleeping girl, but there’s another tone, now — a pre-adolescent funk that wasn’t there last spring.

Simone rolled out of bed without complaint, the excitement of the day providing enough impetus to get her up and into the shower. There’s a quiet magic in our weekday mornings together; a companionable, low-level cheerfulness that is noticeably absent when it’s just me getting up and out. I take great pleasure in making Simone’s lunch, so while she’s in the shower I’ll fill her lunchbox with a well-balanced meal (and a snack. And a note). And then she’ll sip at her chai and talk to me while I do up breakfast. Most mornings, we’ll sit together at the table and eat, though sometimes she’ll perch on a barstool at the counter while I putter around the kitchen. If we think about it, we’ll put on some music that gets our blood pumping a little faster, and before we know it, it’s time for shoes and coats.

Our super-early morning went smoothly, and I was surprised when we arrived across town at the combo middle/high school with plenty of time to park and take in the tall, slump-shouldered teens slinking their way into the building. The school is a special one, with very motivated, artistic students, but they still seemed to walk with teenager attitude from where I was sitting. It gave me a shiver.

We wandered through halls filled with the most amazing artwork I’d seen in any building in recent memory — a whole display case filled with tableaux created using wooden spoons; a board propped on an easel showing the design elements for the play “Twelve Angry Jurors,” (yeah, I know. I laughed out loud) complete with a top-down view of the stage setup and costume mockups with swatches of fabric; foot-tall imp-like creatures cavorting along the vaulted, skylighted ceiling of the hallway; and an installation of a six-foot tall fantastical creature messing with a remote control and an old-fashioned TV on a stand. Four or five kids sat on the floor next to their lockers while one of them fiddled with a guitar.

Simone was thrilled…she’d found her tribe.

As we filed into the auditorium to be welcomed by the principal, I ran my eyes over the other kids and their parents (no eligible single moms, as far as I could tell). Everyone had that air of tense excitement flecked with nervousness, and you could tell all of the parents had very pointed questions about the audition and selection process, about the educational philosophy and standards, about graduation rates, etc. Simone wanted to sit up front, which surprised me, so we found our way to a couple of seats on the aisle in the second row (our compromise).

As the principal and other staff members spoke, and as the parents asked their inevitable questions, I noticed two things. First, that I didn’t have any questions. I could tell from the ambiance of the school, from the art on display, and from the way the students and staff interacted in the hallways, that this place would deliver on its promise, if Simone was able to impress her way in. As a former teacher, I can assess the temperature of a school within moments of walking through the door.

Second, I noticed that Simone had the teen chair slump down to a science.

Damn it, I thought. My kid is a tween. Somehow, I’d hoped I’d have more time.

After the speeches, a parent volunteer in Simone’s preferred major (stagecraft – she wants to design and build sets, to prepare her for her dream of creating paleontological museum displays, and she wants to design costumes to get better at her own fashion design work), led us from classroom to classroom, so we could see what the actual students were up to.

If I felt a shiver when we walked into the school, standing at the back of classrooms and watching post-pubescent teenagers banter and pick at their faces and whisper to each other nearly gave me heart palpitations.

Last month, I wrote about the pop culture celebration of the clueless father and how I refuse to be painted with that brush. But what that means is I’m not going to be allowed to be the know-nothing dad as Simone approaches her teen years. If I want to be the father that she needs, I won’t be able to cover my ears and go la-la-la when she talks about dating or women’s issues. I’ll have to force myself to listen without judgment and respond carefully. I won’t be allowed to roll my eyes or shake my head or run away.

And, most days, I think I’m prepared to handle this new stage in her life. We have an easy, comfortable way of talking to each other, and Simone doesn’t keep secrets from me. Last time my youngest sister was in town, I asked her to take Simone for…you know…products, just in case the red rider came around while she was with me. I’ve provided her with deodorant and special face soap, and I know better than to put her training bras in the dryer.

But, damn, it would be nice to have a woman in the house as she grows into her tall, lanky body. There’s stuff about being a teenage girl I just don’t know. Put me in a room with a 15-year-old boy, and I’ll teach him all the secret tricks to being a man — the best way to shave each day, how to polish a pair of shoes or sew on a button, how to knot a tie (bow and standard), the highlights of the debate between briefs and boxers (go with boxers). But even as a formerly married guy, women’s feminine regimens are mysterious to me. There are details I’m not equipped to understand.

I know Simone’s mom will handle the majority of the details, but stuff will come up when she’s with me, and, unless something really good and really special happens in the near future, I’m going to be sans backup. I’m fortunate to have plenty of single mom friends who could advise me if I ask for help, but it’s still a daunting prospect overall.

Simone was yawning as we drifted toward the exit from the school, the morning’s activities catching up with her. There was something languid about the way she walked down the hallway, almost as if she’d already begun to absorb the mores and manners of this exotic new place. My brain and heart were tangled and fraught, feeling so proud of and excited for my little girl, but knowing she wouldn’t be little much longer. How can you celebrate and dread something in equal measure, and still manage to stay sane and reasonable?

Shit… guess I’ll just do my best.

Eric Elkins’ company WideFoc.us (http://widefoc.us) specializes in using social media and ePR strategies to develop constellations of brand experiences, delivering focused messages to targeted segments. He’s also the author of the young adult novel, Ray,Reflected. Read more of his Dating Dad chronicles at DatingDad.com , or tell him why he’s all wrong by emailing eric@datingdad.com.

Posted in Divorced Dads, Featured Moms & Dads, Single Fathers, Tweens | Leave a comment

Dating Dad: Shiver and Spark

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Family Man

By Eric S. Elkins

Being pragmatic is getting me nowhere.

Last week, I looked back at all of my thousands of Twitter updates (also known as “tweets”) from 2008 for another piece I was working on, and, though I was looking for more business-y types of highlights, I couldn’t help noticing a lot about my personal life in those 140-character missives.

Sure, I drank my share of dirty Ketel martinis and dirty chai (no, it’s not a theme), and I cooked/ate some amazing food. My Twitter stream also proved to me that Simone and I had incredible adventures together in 2008, and that I’m doing a pretty decent job, parenting-wise. I could pinpoint changes in my feelings for the Peach — especially when I felt decimated, which gave me pause.

But I also noticed that the Twitter stream didn’t express much about the magical moments in my love life from the past year. There are two reasons:

1. There weren’t very many of them.

2. I didn’t feel free to share them when they did happen.

That isn’t to say I didn’t have very enjoyable dates and rendezvous with amazing women. Because I did. I’m grateful for the very special moments I shared with some very special people this last year. Believe me, I’ll be replaying some of them in my mind in the lonely months to come (more on that in a sec).

Looking at my thousands of tweets, I could pinpoint exactly two (obscure) references to being overcome by that shiver and spark of chemistry and potential.

You know what I mean — the stomach-knotting craving for a particular person’s company; the shiny thrill when that one person’s name pops up on your phone or in your inbox; the painful, pleasant longing when you’re apart; the exhilaration spiced with doubt and fear that makes the best rollercoaster ride seem like a trip down the kiddie slide.

How many times in the last year did I make excuses for the woman across the table from me? “She’s really, really smart. And, um, she has pretty eyes — maybe I’ll come around,” or “She doesn’t have a lot of interesting things to say, but she’s gorgeous and close to my age,” or “Everyone says we’d be good together.” And then we’d go out on a second or third date, with me working hard to convince myself that it could work. And when, invariably, I needed to walk away, it left her upset and me unsatisfied and guilt-ridden. Truly, how can you explain the sentiment, “I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling it”?

Talking to my counselor, I’ve realized that, in the several months after ending things with the Peach, I’ve started to settle. Not in the usual, “Maybe this is the best I can do,” way (e.g. giving up), because, honestly, I’ve seen some truly wonderful women come and go. No, I’ve started to settle for less than what I really, really want to feel. I’ve tried to ignore the lack of fire in my belly, thinking that maybe that joy and tension isn’t as important as the other stuff.

In other words, I led myself into the trap of the not-so-young single parent. I’ve listened to those twin imps of self-doubt and fear of loneliness. “I’m tired of being alone. I’m not getting any younger. And she’s really great. Maybe that’s enough.”

But it doesn’t turn out to be enough, does it?

So, though I’m not going to ignore reality completely, and though I’m not going to wait around for some unattainable ideal partner, I am going to hold out for that one girl who makes me crazy — the woman who makes me forget the doubt — the one I can really open up to, sharing my strengths and weaknesses, my loves and my pain. That one girl who can complete our family and share in the sweetness and difficulties attendant with being close to someone as screwy as I am. The one who makes me think dinner at home and a makeout session on the couch sounds infinitely better than a dirty martini in a crowded bar on a chilly winter night (but who will also make me get off the couch and go enjoy a guys’ night out).

Because the other thing I’ve realized through my hard work is that, as much as I love my single lifestyle, I really do want to be with someone. I’ve fought with myself over the last six years, and I’ve worried about my ability to maintain a true relationship, but I know I’m hard-wired to love and cherish the right woman. In the meantime, though, I’m better off spending my non-parenting nights focused on work and friends and myself than going on another date “just in case.”

When it comes down to a real relationship, finding the right person will be as crucial as my being emotionally available to her. In fact, I finally believe that one is dependent on the other.

As a friend said just a few days ago, “When you’re done being single, you won’t be!”

Amen.

You know what else I noticed about the last year? I didn’t write nearly enough funny dating stories. I’ll work on that, too.

Eric Elkins’ company WideFoc.us (http://widefoc.us) specializes in using social media and ePR strategies to develop constellations of brand experiences, delivering focused messages to targeted segments. He’s also the author of the young adult novel, Ray,Reflected. Read more of his Dating Dad chronicles at DatingDad.com , or tell him why he’s all wrong by emailing eric@datingdad.com.

Posted in Dating Dad, Divorced Dads, Featured Moms & Dads, Single Fathers | 1 Comment

Dating Dad: Decade

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Family Man

By Eric S. Elkins

It was a spring-like Sunday in mid-March when Simone decided to arrive in the world. She was a full four weeks early, precocious even before she left the womb. We worried a bit that day — her heart rate would drop during each contraction, which meant the umbilical cord was probably around her neck — but phone calls with my baby nurse mother were steady, and she calmed our nerves with her knowledge and expertise. Simone’s mom’s parents caught a flight and arrived at the hospital minutes after their new granddaughter vociferously expressed her first opinion (Not. Happy.). My (now-former) father-in-law, normally hemmed in by his mid-western stoicism, hugged and kissed me in the excitement of the moment.

That was ten years ago.

It’s hard to believe that the tiny, ruddy, screaming bean of a creature, her nose still flattened from labor, but gorgeous and miraculous in her very existence, has grown into the empowered, opinionated, high-energy, charming pre-adolescent who lives with me today. Simone the premie, Simone the infant, Simone the toddler, Simone the little girl…is now Simone the young woman.

She and I have been through so much together.

From day one, I insisted to my employers that I would work from home two days per week, so I could be with my little girl. Before she could walk, or even speak, Simone would go on assignment with me, curled up in her carrier (strapped to my chest), getting a backstage tour of the local aquarium, or finding herself plopped into the Stanley Cup. She met movie stars and authors, traveled to Orlando and to Hilo. For the first three years of her life, Tuesdays and Thursdays were my favorite days of the week.

Simone weathered the divorce as well as she could; her occasional meltdown when I dropped her off at preschool shredded my heart as I left her behind. I’d pull the car over a couple of blocks away from the school because my heaving and weeping made driving impossible. I’d cry until I could pull myself together and start the car again, feeling pathetic and powerless to stop the moving freight train of our fracturing lives. I didn’t know how I’d make it—wanting to give up, to shut down, the despair so potent that I’d finally drift into work, numb and pale and silent, and sit at my desk in a fog. Simone doesn’t remember those days, but I still feel the scars of that tumult.

But we found our equilibrium, the two of us. It took some time, but we settled into our routines, our banter, our understandings and conventions.

Simone’s mom offered up a different sort of stability by marrying fairly quickly and starting a new family that Simone could be a part of. But, though the last seven years have been lonely for me at times, I’ve been able to build a relationship with and create a household for Simone on my own– she has met a few (very few) of the women I’ve dated over the years, and that has allowed us to grow together in a way her mother will never be able to understand (or approve of, sadly). I’ve provided the stability of being there for her, and only her. I’m happy that Simone has a little sister and a mother and a stepfather who love her, but I’m also happy that our home is an outlet and a respite.

We’ve come a long way from the days she didn’t want to leave her other house. Now she tells me she wishes she could spend more than half the time with me. I tell her how important it is that she have time with both parents, that her mother would miss her, and that she needs to be there for her sister, but she talks about how there’s “a lot of yelling” at her other house, and that her mom is pretty hard on her. All I can do is offer her love, a peaceful environment, and a different kind of structure — looser in some ways, but still with statutes and high expectations. If my household has been less structured than Simone’s mom’s, it hasn’t been less safe, and it hasn’t left Simone without a sense that we have rules here, too. I hope it’s also allowed her to find the fun in spontaneity; something her mom was never a fan of.

Our move from the suburbs to the city had a huge effect on our quality of life, and it gives me great joy to see how Simone has grown into an urban sophisticate. She knows her city well, and she understands the satisfaction to be had in walking to amazing restaurants, the Mexican bakery, the grocery store, the playground. She has learned to be aware of her surroundings; to give odd strangers a wide berth, to pause before crossing an alley (even though we still always hold hands when crossing the street). For her, it’s normal to be recognized when walking into a restaurant or boutique, and to be welcomed by name. And her manners are impeccable — “please” and “thank you” come naturally; sparking conversation with a grownup comes easily; she can make a reservation for dinner and order off of any menu. She’s been to grand openings, events, festivals, and preview dinners. She can recommend a place to eat or a good spot for ice cream. Denver belongs to her.

Simone has grown lanky and clumsy in her new body, and her poise and sophisticated take on the world could make it easy to forget she’s just a child. But she is still a little girl in so many ways. She loves her plush toys, she cries when she’s disappointed, she still whines and fusses and begs; she still needs snuggles and hugs and reassurance that I’m sticking with her no matter what.

You know, I haven’t quite given up on the possibility of having another little one. But I’m coming to terms with the idea that it may not happen. I’m starting to feel an equanimity with the future — allowing myself to be happy with either outcome, and letting things happen as they happen. And part of that tranquility comes from feeling so ridiculously lucky to be Simone’s dad, and to have a daughter who’s so uniquely comfortable in her skin. She’s empowered, which can be a problem when you’re only 10 years old, but I know her confidence will serve her well over time.

I’ve made plenty of mistakes in the last 10 years. I have been far from perfect in my parenting, though I always strive to be better. To do better. People tell me I’m a great dad, but I don’t take those compliments to heart. They’re not privy to my doubts, my slip-ups, the stupid things I say or do. They’re not with me at the end of the day, laying in bed, realizing how I could have avoided an argument or a shouting match. But the good news is that I do feel like I am pretty good at being a father.

Ten years ago, I was just a guy sleepwalking through life, doing okay, but knowing I could do better. Now I’m the father of a funny, smart, and beautiful 10-year-old who’s secure in herself because she knows she’s loved and appreciated. She keeps me present; she forces me to be awake and aware and appreciative of what the world has to offer.

I know it won’t be long until we’re sharing our happiness with someone we both adore. But, for now, it’s easy to appreciate the gifts we share with each other.

Eric Elkins’ company WideFoc.us (http://widefoc.us) specializes in using social media and ePR strategies to develop constellations of brand experiences, delivering focused messages to targeted segments. He’s also the author of the young adult novel, Ray,Reflected. Read more of his Dating Dad chronicles at DatingDad.com , or tell him why he’s all wrong by emailing eric@datingdad.com.

Posted in Divorced Dads, Featured Moms & Dads, Single Fathers | Leave a comment

What Dads Need to Know: A Cure for Kidaholism

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Family Man

By Wendy Jaffe

Believe it or not, there is only one known society in the entire world that hasn’t embraced marriage in one form or another. The Na society, a group of about 30,000 singles living in Southwestern China, forego marriage completely. With the Na, the women become pregnant after liaisons with men in nearby villages, and then daddy is completely out of the picture; aunts and uncles act as co-parents to children.

Thanks to this unique arrangement, the Na may be the only society in the world in which mothers can devote all of their attention to their children without having to worry about simultaneously nurturing a relationship with their children’s father. Here in the United States, motherhood is a bit more complicated. Figuring out how to balance motherhood and wifehood is as challenging as going through childbirth without an epidural. Women who are unable to strike a proper balance, the kidaholics, are prime candidates for divorce.

How did I learn that kidaholism is a major cause of divorce? I interviewed 100 of the top family law attorneys in the U.S. for a recent book, and asked a deceptively simple question: Why do couples divorce? Attorney after attorney commented that one reason many marriages become broken is when women focus exclusively on their children, causing their husbands to feel insignificant, unappreciated, or just plain unloved. Husbands react by withdrawing into work, becoming best friends with the television remote control, or by having affairs (wife: “you forgot to pick up the Huggies, again???” vs. attractive co-worker: “you are so brilliant, warm, and sensitive! Does your wife know how lucky she is?”).

New Orleans divorce attorney Ellen Widen Kessler summed up the problem this way: “Children cause people to change their focus from caring about each other to caring about their children. Momma starts to put nearly all of her emphasis on her responsibilities toward her children, to the exclusion of her husband.”

Cynthia Greene, a well-known family law attorney practicing in Miami, Florida, has also witnessed many divorces resulting from kidaholism: “Men are jealous of the time that their wife spends with the kids. Maybe jealousy isn’t the proper word, because the men are being sincere, but where there is a total focus by the mother on the child, and no focus on the marriage or the husband, the marriage frequently falls apart.”

Before we go any further, let me clarify that, although it is typically the woman who is the afflicted, dads can also become infected with a bout of kidaholism with the same unfortunate consequences to the marriage.

Symptoms of Kidaholism

So, the next questions is, how do you know if you have crossed the line from being a wonderful, devoted parent to a kidaholic? And spouses, how can you judge if you are married to a kidaholic, or to a person who is just trying her best to juggle the often conflicting demands of her dual roles of parent and wife? Check out the symptoms of kidaholism below.

– Kidaholics tend to talk primarily about their children.

– Kidaholics tend to give up interests that they had before they had children and devote any free time to interests or activities that somehow relate to their children (e.g., scrap booking, soccer mom duties, school volunteering).

– Kidaholics frequently part ways with friends who do not have children.

– Kidaholics frequently refuse to go away with their spouse alone for even one night even where there is another capable adult available to care for the child.

– Spouses of kidaholics frequently complain that “there is no time for me.”

– Spouses of kidaholics frequently complain that their sex life is lacking.

– Kidaholics do not set aside a specific time for their spouse such as a weekly date night.

Treatment for the Affliction

The good news about kidaholism is that it is easily curable if caught early. The cure involves three simple steps.

Recognize the Positives for Your Children

When you make time to focus on your spouse and marriage you are actually doing a positive thing for your children as well. Your children will witness a role model of a healthy marriage, which they will likely emulate one day. The steps that you take to cure your kidaholism will make it more likely that your child will not have to deal with the ramifications of a divorce.

Set specific time aside for your spouse.

This can take the form of a weekly date night or a regular evening walk.

Develop joint interests.

Nearly all of the attorneys that I interviewed commented that couples that develop joint interests do better in the long run. It doesn’t matter what the interest is; it only matters that is something that you both enjoy doing together.

A close friend of mine, who rarely spent time alone with her husband because she was always “unable to find a sitter,” is now a reformed kidaholic. (I always thought that it was funny that she had no problem “finding” a great manicurist, fabulous pediatrician, and a nearly painless bikini wax woman.) How did she finally make a weekly date night with her husband a priority? All it took was “seeing herself” in a book that she would never have read had it not been written by her good friend.

For many of the other kidaholic parents, recognizing themselves in the patterns shown above, then following some of the steps suggested, can go a long way to maintaining a healthier marital relationship.

Wendy Jaffe is the author of The Divorce Lawyers’ Guide To Staying Married. She can be reached at wjaffewrite@aol.com. Her website is www.DivorceLawyersGuide.com .

Posted in Featured Moms & Dads, Marriage | Leave a comment

What Dads Need to Know: Sleep is the New Sex

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Family Man

By Ann Douglas

Dads may clock a bit more sleep than moms do during the early weeks of caring for a new baby, but when it comes to overall feelings of exhaustion, moms and dads are pretty much on par. That’s one of the key reasons why sex falls off the radar screen for many parents of newborns: no one can stay awake long enough to get the deed done.

Even on those nights when there’s interest, energy, and opportunity (the ultimate bedroom hat trick at this time in your life), your sexual fortunes can turn on a dime. The in-laws drop by to sneak another peek at the little one — at 10 pm. Your wife’s best friend calls to talk babies and breastfeeding. Baby wants a bonus-bonus-bonus feeding. And then the ultimate insult: your neighbor’s car alarm startling Junior into wakefulness just as you and his mom are getting nice and cozy. Moron.

And even if your baby does settle back down to sleep after a quick nurse and cuddle, the libido may have left the building. (Your wife’s, that is.) That’s because the Maternal Emergency Response System (MERS) has been put on full alert as a result of the baby’s panicked cry, causing the woman of your dreams to switch from sex kitten setting to mom mode in two seconds flat. It’s as if a gigantic Boy Scout poured a huge bucket of ice water on the campfire that was her sex drive. You can try to get things started again, but you have 50/50 odds of looking like an ultra-attentive lover and 50/50 odds of looking like a pushy jerk who won’t let a tired mom get the sleep she so desperately craves. It’s up to you if you want to want to play sex life roulette. If you win, you win. If you lose, you lose big-time.

And while we’re talking mother meta-text (the things that moms think but simply won’t say), here’s something else that might be conspiring against your sex life: basic biology combined with a common maternal misunderstanding. It has been scientifically proven that moms are hard-wired to be more responsive to their babies in the night than dads (they hear their babies better and they’re more tuned into their babies’ movements, even when both mom and baby are asleep). This means that moms tend to respond instinctively to their babies’ murmurs and stirs while dads are still somewhere off in dreamland. What a mom may interpret as laziness or mean-spiritedness or rotten parenting on the part of that slumbering dad may be basic biology at work. So you get in trouble for being a guy.

But don’t use your guyness as an excuse. She’ll be on to you in a flash. If you even think about using the aforementioned biological fact as a license to play Rip Van Winkle for the next 18 years, you can kiss your sex life goodbye for at least as long. (Let her know that she’s welcome to wake you up if she hears the baby in the night and it’s your turn to get up. Crisis averted.) While your evil friend Barney might be tempted to try to con his wife, he will pay dearly for his stupidity. If a mom feels that her partner isn’t helping out enough with night-time parenting, she’s likely to start feeling angry and resentful, and anger is anything but libido enhancing, as every guy knows.

Here’s what one of the moms that I interviewed for Sleep Solutions for Your Baby, Toddler, and Preschooler had to say: “There were nights with my first child when I would be hit with this overwhelming urge to kill my husband,” confesses one mother of two. “I was so resentful of the fact that he was lying there sleeping while I was getting up for the third time that night to breastfeed. When I’d come back to bed, I’d get in bed as noisily as possible in the hope that I’d manage to wake him up. I practically used the bed as a trampoline as I bounded back into it at 4:00 am. If he didn’t wake up, I’d lie in bed feeling incredibly angry at him for not waking up, and that resentment would build in me until I felt like I was going to explode. And all the while, he would be having a good night’s sleep without a care in the world.” (Note: In my book I talk about each couple’s needs to figure out what kind of split of night-time parenting duties makes the most sense for them: sometimes 50/50 isn’t equal or fair.)

When I talk to new moms who are feeling this angry and desperate, I try to give them a Dad’s eye view of the situation — to remind them that everything isn’t perfectly rosy on his side of the bed either. In fact, he may be experiencing a smorgasbord of emotions that he may be reluctant to express for fear of upsetting his partner further. So it’s not a cakewalk for dads, either, despite the stereotypical image of the well-rested dad sauntering off to his perfect job to “get a break” all day long.

So what does it take to keep your sex life on track when neither of you are getting much sleep during those weeks and months after baby arrives on the scene? Those three magic ingredients I mentioned earlier (interest, energy, and opportunity) plus a few more: persistence, a sense of humor, a connection as a couple, and a feeling that you’re playing for the same parenting team. As one of the moms that I interviewed put it, “We were tired, and that was a fact of life. Sort of, ‘If I wasn’t so tired I’d jump you’ and ‘If I wasn’t so tired, I’d like it.’”

Ann Douglas is an author, magazine writer, andnewspaper columnist who specializes in writing about parenting. A popular speaker, Ann leads workshops and delivers keynote addresses on a variety of topics of interest to writers, parents, and others who share her passions for education, health, social justice, and civic engagement. She is the host and producer of theTrent Radio shows Citizen Parent and This is Your Writing Life. She lives and works in Peterborough, Ontario, and volunteers her time with various projects and causes.

Posted in Featured Moms & Dads, Marriage, Sex Ed | Leave a comment

What Dads Need to Know: 8 Ways to Torture a Spouse While He’s Away on a Business Trip

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Family Man

By Meredith O’Brien

Got a spouse who frequently goes away on fancy business trips, where he or she dines on steak, lobster and martinis wearing stylish duds, leaving you marooned with the kids?

Looking to get even?

Here are some suggestions from a work-from-home parent with experience at being left behind:

1. Call spouse’s cell phone in the early evening — the worst time of day for small children. Do not inquire whether it’s a convenient time for the spouse to speak on the phone. Have your grade school-aged son describe the absolutely saddest pictures you’ve ever seen him make: The self portrait of himself crying, with his face wedged between two hearts and a cartoon dialog balloon emerging from an exaggerated frown which reads simply, “Daddy.” The caption: “I miss U Daddy.”

2. Then have your grade school-aged daughter get on the phone to prattle on for about 15 minutes about who she thinks is the cutest professional baseball player and her thoughts on why, when she grows up, she should be a designated hitter playing in the American League. (“I don’t like to field,” she explains.)

3. While the conversation with your daughter is on-going, make no attempt to shield the phone from the noise of the mortal combat going on in the next room when the grade school-aged boy is punched (for no apparent reason, eyewitnesses confirm) by his younger brother. The eldest child then retaliated for the punch with a Tae Kwon Do sidekick to said younger sibling’s forehead resulting in a nice looking bump about the size of a quarter. Maybe a half dollar. There’s lots of yelling.

4. Grab the phone and — as you’re getting really wound up and ticked off because you’ve been parenting solo for days and the children have been maniac heathens practically shout a blow-by-blow report into the phone about what just occurred while the eldest son is sobbing in timeout in the corner of the kitchen after being informed that he’ll have to confess to his Tae Kwon Do instructor that he used a martial arts move to injure his sibling. Be sure to mention that the youngest child is whimpering in another part of the kitchen while he’s applying pressure to his wounded head with a cold cloth.

5. Sick the youngest one on the spouse by handing over the phone to him. Encourage the little child to tell Daddy all about what just happened (descriptions of which vary wildly from, “Jonah…just…just…BURST into the room and kicked me for no reason in the head…[*pause*]…yeah…after I punched him.”

6. Grab the phone again and insist that the spouse speak with the eldest son about not using Tae Kwon Do techniques on his brother and that he should’ve instead utilized his blocking techniques. (“But if I didn’t know what kind of punch he was going to throw. I couldn’t block it,” Ralph Macchio insisted.)

7. Make the Karate Kid explain to Daddy his version of what happened.

8. Get on the phone for the last time and regale spouse with the ins and outs of school politics, an upcoming children’s birthday party that may conflict with other familial obligations and then ask in as sarcastic a tone as you can muster, “So, where are YOU going to go for dinner tonight? Some swank restaurant?” after being sure to note how you ate the cold, congealed dregs of food from the children’s plates about 30 minutes ago and are still wearing sweat pants from the night before, while loudly uncorking a bottle of wine in close proximity to the receiver.
Not that you’re jealous or anything.

Meredith O’Brien is a freelance writer in the Boston area. She writes a parenting blog, the Boston Mommy Blog for the Boston Herald’s web site, and a pop culture blog for ClubMom. She is the author of the forthcoming book, A Suburban Mom: Notes from the Asylum . She can be reached at meredithobrien@hotmail.com .

Copyright © Meredith O’Brien 2006.

Posted in Featured Moms & Dads, Marriage | Leave a comment

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