Author Archives: Family Man

Laura Veirs – Tumble Bee

Posted on December 15, 2011 by Family Man

Reviewed by Gregory Keer

We end this wild and crazy calendar year with a recording that wraps the listener in an organic fibered blanket of folk music goodness. Tumble Bee is the progeny of Laura Veirs’s decision to slow down a bit after eight grown-up albums and the birth of her first child (with husband and producer Tucker Martine). Veirs and Martine culled through countless songs before settling on 13 gentle gems that were recorded in the comfort of the couple’s home.

For this disparate collection of folk songs, Veirs sings with the help of a sparkling array of folk and rock musicians, including Bela Fleck, Colin Meloy (The Decembrists), Jim James (My Morning Jacket), and Brian Blade (who drums for Bob Dylan). Among the many tracks worth noting are “Little Lap-Dog Lullaby” for his gorgeous harmonies, “Tumblebee” for its Arcade Fire meets kid-music sensibility, “All the Pretty Horses” for its quiet gorgeousness, “Jump Down Spin Around” for its lively arrangement, and “Jamaica Farewell” for the mere fact that it’s one of my all-time favorite tunes and Veirs does it wonderfully.

In a season requiring crackling fires and hot chocolate, this album does the job of both with its warmth and richness.

www.lauraveirs.com – $13 (CD) – Ages birth to 100

Posted in Family Man Recommends, Family Music, Music | Leave a comment

Feeling Full

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Family Man

Contrary to what scientists have told us about the psychological makeup of a turkey, I believe this bird feels a fair amount of pressure in November. The poor guy has enough to bear, what with that hideous piece of skin flopping around below his chin and the whole missed opportunity as America’s national bird. November, or earlier for those fowl friends headed for the frozen meat case, brings all the stress of when that axe is going to drop.

For Tom Turkey, the anxiety comes to an end before the actual Thanksgiving feast. For me, the harvest holiday represents decades of agitation over making the parental units happy.

As a product of divorce, I’ve been challenged by Turkey Day since I was 11, bouncing between my parents’ homes from year to year. Each holiday meal has had the sweet of good times with one side of the family with the sour of the other side feeling pained without me being there. Even in my teen/early-20s years when my dark moods could eclipse the sunshine of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, the left-out contingent would exclaim, “But I miss your scowling face at my table.”

So I’ve attempted to make it up to whoever doesn’t get me by doing some combination of awkward apology, attendance for a pre- or post-Thanksgiving makeup dinner, a drop-by for dessert, or just a guilt-ridden phone call.

I know none of my parents intended for me to be in the middle of an annual November custody battle, but the pushing and pulling happens nonetheless. It usually leaves me feeling like the Scarecrow of Wizard of Oz fame – my stuffing (turkey pun intended) gets scattered.

Once Wendy and I became a couple, the tug-of-war over my Thanksgiving family allegiance added a third direction as my in-laws vied for our attendance at their table. They’ve been gracious enough to invite my parents to join the meal on numerous occasions, which in turn has encouraged my folks to do the same. While that’s happened a few times, various factors have prevented it from being a regular thing. Even when we’ve ventured to combine all the parents at our home, it hasn’t worked out to be the complete family picture that makes everyone, let alone me, feel right. Let’s just say, the scene has been more Jackson Pollock than Norman Rockwell.

Actually, when it comes to Thanksgiving and family, nothing is regular. Over the past 30-plus years, marriages, divorces, and moves to other states have changed the cast of characters and made the holiday gathering look like a biological cell that divides, multiplies, and subtracts.

Now that my own nuclear family has grown, the concern for my sense of unity at the festival table has turned outward. The funny thing is, my kids could care less.

For my sons, Thanksgiving is not about what’s missing at the table – unless it’s candied yams, the lack of which has been known to cause them to riot. To them, the ever-changing groups of relatives makes the holiday more interesting, not depressing. They’ve never known it any other way than to have a Lazy Susan-style schedule of meals in which they cycle through each set of grandparents.

Largely because of the divorce after-effects, I never wanted my children to feel responsible for making a whole out of a segmented family experience. My wife and I have used good luck and hard work in our marriage and family experience to give our kids something connected in a world of increasing splintered parts.

All of this being said, my children, in fact most kids, have amazing powers of stitching together the good parts of a family situation such as a divided holiday. It’s the adults, like me, who have the difficulties. Rather than worry over what’s missing, I need to see what and who is right there in front of me or else no Thanksgiving can ever feel fulfilling.

As usual, I’ve learned this lesson from my sons. To them, the Thanksgiving tradition involves rotating around to the various grandparents who love them dearly. At Bubbie and Zaydie’s, there’s the chance to eat lemon mold before going off to wreak havoc in the play room. At Nana and Papa’s, it’s about the joys of the kids’ table followed by the hugs from the grown-ups’ section. At Grandma Judi and Great-Grandma Jenny’s, it’s about a road trip to Arizona for enough grandma kisses to last a year.

It all works together to create a different kind of whole for my boys. Because of their appreciation for what they see as variety where I had seen chaos, my days of feeling something’s missing at the holiday are fading. For this, I am truly thankful.

Posted in Columns by Family Man, Holidays | 1 Comment

Football & Secrets: Nothing Should Go Before Child Protection

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Family Man

 

The scandal that has rocked the Nittany Lions football program and Penn State University itself will not leave the public consciousness for a long, long time. And it shouldn’t. So many people, from sports columnists to psychologists to the President himself have commented on something that should never have happened. If you’ve been hiding under a rock, or are simply a person who (understandably) finds so much of the news full of darkness that you cannot bear to tune in, you can read about the facts here.

I’m not sure I have anything new or profound to help make sense of this situation, which will only get worse for the people involved, but one thing many, including me, want to make clear: this must scare all of us adults into doing a better job of protecting children. A large number of people — Penn State head coach Joe Paterno, the university’s president, the assistant coach who witnessed a horrible crime — did not do what should have been done in the interest of those boys who were being hurt by Sandusky. They should have prioritized above everything else — above the football program, their own reputations, the university, friendship, whatever — the security of those boys.

Now, more facts about this case will become clear. And I do hope that my own doubts about the morals of those who did not act more strenuously to see that those children were helped will be cleared with evidence that shows that the bystanders actually did more than they did. However, so many details have been revealed that there is no way this could have gone on for all the years it did without some serious negligence.

As a man, I am so profoundly ashamed that anyone could be so otherwise preoccupied to let harm come to children. In this time of uncertainty, in an election year in which we are all politicizing our values, I believe we must prioritize our children above all else. We must educate them — give them the power to believe in themselves and their intellectual abilties — so that they can be less susceptible to manipulation. We must educate and support all parents — whatever their background or economic status — so they can be better equipped to provide for and protect their children. So much of this is about communication in order to keep kids far away from those who would manipulate and prey upon their weaknesses. If we do these things, in addition to better and more prompt legal protection, then we can put a dent in these kinds of terrible consequences.

If you are inclined, please comment and keep the discussion going. I believe a lot will be done by the authorities to help the victims now. What we all can do, though, is help prevent more children from becoming victims.

Posted in Blog, Protecting Children | 2 Comments

Family Man Recommends: Quick Picks for November

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Family Man

With a little extra family time over the winter holidays, here are some FMR: Quick Picks for car rides and afternoon lazing-about sessions.

Things That Roar marks the debut of Papa Crow, aka Jeff Krebs, a Michigan-based mutli-instrumentalist with an easy-going style that clicks with young listeners (and older ears, too). Layered with Krebs’s straightforward folk vocals and his ukele, guitar, and banjo-playing, there’s much to crow about, including such songs as “Baby Makes Three” (with a kazoo solo at the end!), “The Peek-a-Boo Waltz,” “Polar Bear in a Snowstorm,” and “When I Grow Up.”

Rocknoceros presents its fourth album, following such clever discs as Pink! and Dark Side of the Moon Bounce, and it’s full of catchy melodies and animal facts. Colonel Purple Turtle (also available with a companion book) ranges over musical styles, from Latin/Calypso (“Harry Elefante”) to to pop-rock (“Echolocation’) to jazz (“Truman Coyote”).

For preschool kids, the new Jim Gill release, Music Play for Folks of All Stripes, is an impeccably crafted piece of edu-tainment. In teaching kids about the connection between music and play, Gill covers a diverse landscape that’s incredibly user-friendly. Sample “Beethoven’s Five Finger Play,” “The Onomatopoeia Pizzeria,” and “Habanera La La La,” among others.

From Russia with love comes Sand Castle, the elegant creation of dad-composer Sasha Bondarev. Nine songs reflect Bondarev’s background in Russia (there’s a classical-music feel to some of the songs, here) as well as his adopted home of America (where he has lived for the past 10 years). Try “Masha and the Rain,” “Little Pirate,” and “March of the Toy Soldiers.”

Posted in Family Man Recommends, Family Music, Music | Leave a comment

The Deedle Deedle Dees – Strange Dees, Indeed.

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Family Man

Reviewed by Gregory Keer

Calling themselves “America’s Ultimate Teaching Band” only tells part of the story, but it’s a pretty big chunk of what makes The Deedle Deedle Dees a revelation of a band. These tenaciously talented Dees have a new album that is offbeat, a little strange, and super smart — a combination that is surprisingly effective. It’s a little like They Might Be Giants for an older crowd of kids.

The disc has 19 songs, each of which touches on such topics as historical figures, philosophical concepts, and folkloric tales. Sirius/XM’s Kids Place Live currently has the opening track of “Ah Ahimsa” playing frequently, largely because of its exotic sound and message about nonviolence (with references to Gandhi). “The Golem” uses klezmer-style strains along with its explanation of the mystical creature created to save the Jewish people from harm in 16th century Prague. Employing a late-‘70s rock sound (a bit of Joe Jackson and Queen), “Sacagawea” offers details of the Lewis and Clark guide from the grateful perspective of William Clark.

The Brooklyn-based band consists of leader/songwriter Lloyd Miller (who goes by Ulysses S. Dee), mandolin/guitar player Ari Dolegowski (Moby Dee), multi-instrumentalist (largely keyboards) Chris Johnson (Booker Dee), and percussionist Ely Levin (Otto von Dee). With the direction of producer Dean Jones (of Dog on Fleas), this recording is as musically potent and assured as it is educationally engaging. More highlights of the project range from the soaring story-song of African American pioneer “Sojourner Truth” to the quirky “Birds of America Don’t Care-Oh,” which offers a view that birds might have of the portraits Audubon painted. Two tracks also worth noting take on New York history: “Mayor LaGuardia’s Stomach” (about Moby Dee’s grandmother bumping into the legendary politician of NYC) and “Henry (Hudson), How Ya Gonna Find a Way? (which mixes history about the 17th century explorer and the tale of “Rip Van Winkle”).

Because the lyrics offers so much enlightenment, it’s well worth calling up the group’s Web pages explaining the content of the songs’ words (http://teachddd.blogspot.com). There are even reading recommendations for adults. Strange Dees. Indeed. is an endlessly entertaining and instructive package of music. It makes the top 5 of my picks for 2011.

www.thedeedledeedledees.com and http://teachddd.blogspot.com – $10 (CD) – Ages 4 to 11

Posted in Education, Family Man Recommends, Family Music | Leave a comment

What Dads Need to Know – Raising Kids With Values

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Family Man

By Dr. Jenn Berman

When it comes to instilling values, parents face greater challenges than ever before. Children today are bombarded with anti-values messages all day long through television, movies, music, the Internet and billboards. Kids have fewer young role models that demonstrate valuable contributions to society than they did in years past. Instead they have people like Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, and Brody Jenner, kids who are known for, respectively, her buttocks, a sex tape, and dating other reality stars and for their parents’ money. As though that is not enough of a stumbling block, kids today also suffer from a lack of meaningful adult and peer relationships. So many of us, young and old, tend to be focused on Blackberries, laptops and television screens at the expense of meaningful connections and relationships.

According to a poll by Parents Magazine, the top five values that parents want to imbue in their children are: honesty, self esteem, kindness, self-reliance, and concern for others, qualities which are the building blocks for a moral person and a decent society. However, despite the fact that 70 percent of those polled said that they want to instill self esteem in their children, most parents don’t realize that giving kids the ability to make a difference is the greatest single inoculation against poor self esteem they can give. In addition, giving back to others and knowing that you can positively influence the lives of other people creates a sense of self efficacy while the meaningful activities themselves decrease isolation and self centeredness which in turn helps to build self esteem.

Where to Begin

When most parents think about teaching their children to give back, they tend to think about teens or even elementary school kids. But as Oprah Winfrey said recently, “You are never too young to make a big difference in somebody’s life.” By teaching this lesson to children as young as two or three years old, you help them develop at an early age the habit of giving and helping others which causes this way of thinking and behaving to become deeply ingrained.

Three great tools to start with are:

Books – Books open doors to new concepts, cultures and traditions. It is easy to start young since there are so many great values related books out there for young kids. Early on, start reading books about issues and qualities you value. Check out great toddler books like: The Story of Rosa Parks, The Peace Book, The Snail and the Whale, and Little Bear’s Little Boat.

Discussion – Look for opportunities for meaningful discussions and show your child that you value her opinion during conversations. Use books to open values based conversations. I recently had a conversation with my three year old daughters about peer pressure after reading Hey Little Ant where a little boy’s friends try to pressure the boy in the book to step on an ant.

Modeling Behavior – For many parents, this is the greatest difficulty of parenting. Our kids are always watching us and what we do is far more impactful than what we say. Not only do we have to be role models, but also leaders. Next time you are making a charitable donation, instead of doing it quietly at your computer where your kids can’t see, let your children be involved. Let them pick the charity to which you send your donation. Next time you are thinking of a family vacation, consider planning a volunteer vacation. You can build an orphanage in China, teach English, or help save an endangered species. Work together as a family to make an impact on the world and you will help your child while you help others.

Making New Traditions

Sure it is wonderful to go and feed the homeless around Thanksgiving but people are hungry all year round. Think about making a family New Year’s resolution not only to give back on a regular basis but also to have discussions about important issues and values. As children get older the conversations become increasingly complex and their ability to volunteer becomes greater. Try making one of the following a year round tradition:

  • Make a Kindness Scrapbook. Create a scrapbook to document things that family members do to help others. Since we started ours, my daughters have made cards for sick children, donated money to save an endangered species, and sent their favorite books to a child in need.
  • Start a Dinner Table Foundation. Every month save up twenty dollars or more to donate to a charity. Let each of your children “pitch” their first choice charity.
  • Collect Something for Others. Collect canned food for a food bank, DVDs for donations to a charity like KidFlicks.org, or clothing for a community homeless organization. Each month, with your kid’s help, find something new to give to others.
  • Be Generous to Public Servants. Drop off some baked goods at the local fire station. You can use this as an opportunity to talk to your kids about people who help keep us safe and giving back to the community. Just make sure you call your local fire station to make sure they are open to receiving visitors.
  • Volunteer together. There are so many opportunities to volunteer, especially for older kids. Try food banks, homeless shelters, hospitals, and old age homes. For a great selection of possibilities in your area check out VolunteerMatch.org, a free online service that matches people with appropriate volunteer opportunities.

Keeping Your Family Connected

Kids learn values best when they feel close and connected with their families. Three things you can do to make that happen are:

  1. Have family dinner together. Studies show that kids who eat with their family are less likely to try drugs or alcohol, are more physically fit, experience more academic success, have more nutritionally balanced diets, and have a reduced risk for eating disorders. According to a University of Minneapolis study, the more frequent family meals were eaten together and the more connected a family felt, the more self esteem went up while negative factors like depression, suicidal ideation and suicide attempts went down. This underscores the importance that strong connections have to creating meaningful relationships and generating real influence over your child’s values.
  2. Turn off the TV. Media has become a replacement for family interaction. Given the excessive number of hours adults spend watching television, experts report that parents now have more eye contact with television characters than they have with their own family members. Television can decrease communication with one another and stunt the development of family relationships, which are the foundation for a child’s relationships outside of the family.
  3. Have family meetings. Family meetings are a great way for children to feel heard in their family. A good family meeting serves as a microcosm of the real world, giving your child the opportunity to influence others, develop empathy, and learn cooperation, which are all important values.

Dr. Jenn Berman is a Marriage, Family and Child Therapist in private practice in Los Angeles. She has appeared as a psychological expert on hundreds of television shows including The Oprah Winfrey Show and is a regular on The Today Show, The Early Show, and CNN. She hosts a live daily call-in advice show called “The Love and Sex Show with Dr. Jenn” on Sirius/XM’s Cosmo Radio 5-7 pm PST (heard five hours a day seven days a week). She is the author of the LA Times best selling books SuperBaby: 12 Ways to Give Your Child a Head Start in the First 3 Years and The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy Confident Kids. In May 2011 she will be releasing her first children’s book Rockin’ Babies. Her award winning “Dr. Jenn” parenting column is printed in Los Angeles Family Magazine and five other magazines is read by half a million readers ever month. Dr. Jenn is also on the Board of Advisors for Parents Magazine. In addition, Dr. Jenn has an eco-friendly clothing line for adults and children called Retail Therapy . All the tees have positive “feel good” messages and are made of organic and recycled materials. Dr. Jenn lives in Los Angeles with her husband and twin daughters. For more information on go to www.DoctorJenn.com or follow her on Twitter at www.Twitter.com/drjennberman and www.Facebook.com/DrJennBerman.

Posted in Child Development, Ethics, Featured Moms & Dads, Morals, Values, What Dads Need to Know | Leave a comment

Monster on Board

Posted on October 11, 2011 by Family Man

By Gregory Keer

For years, my 13 year old looked the part of a skateboarder. Benjamin rocked the latest Vans shoes (is it me or do they have a shelf life of three weeks?) and RVCA shirts (can we work on catchier acronyms, people?). He could also spout specifics about longboards versus short ones and explain why certain wheels were better for tricks than others.

Funny thing is, he wouldn’t actually step on a piece of rolling wood. Not even to go across the back patio.

But recently, after his long stretch of feeling too clumsy to look cool on a board, Benjamin found friends willing to show him patience as he learned to wheel around the neighborhood on plywood and pituitary power. As long as Benjamin demonstrated caution and good judgment, we allowed him to travel everywhere from his friends’ houses to the mall.

My wife and I delighted in the exercise and confidence he gained in his jaunts around town. He was never much of a cyclist, so this was a real advancement for him. And there was the added benefit of not having to drive him everywhere. Yay for us, we thought. We were shedding our overprotective nature to allow our son to spread his wings.

Then came the scrapes and bruises from minor tumbles on concrete.

“You should wear your helmet the next time you ride,” I suggested to my son, following his longest skateboard trek yet.

Whatever goodwill I had built up for giving him his four-wheel freedom rolled away.

“No one’s parents make them wear a helmet,” he shot back.

I thought about this for a moment. He was right. I never saw kids wearing protective skull gear out on the streets.

“Helmets look ridiculous,” he pointed out.

“Accidents look worse,” I scored.

“Only people doing tricks at skate parks have to wear them,” he added.

Another point for the 13 year old.

I relented. I know, I know, it was the wrong decision, but there’s still time for me to redeem myself.

Another week went by. Wendy and I discussed it ad nauseum and decided to put our collective foot down.

“I’ll buy you the coolest helmet on the market if you’ll wear it,” I offered.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he replied.

Still, I brought him to the skate shop nearby where I asked the sales guy to convince Benjamin about helmets.

“Uh, most kids don’t wear ‘em,” he droned. Well, that wasn’t much help.

Walking out of the store without a new helmet, Benjamin threatened us.

“I won’t skateboard ever again if you make me wear one.”

I have to hand it to the kid. He knew we might cave if we thought he’d return to his traditional couch potato lifestyle.

We stuck to our guns. Benjamin stuck to his — for two days before asking me to bring the board to the park, where he was helping younger kids in after-school groups. He was hoping I’d forget about the helmet so he could skate to his friend’s house after work.

I brought the board and helmet to him at the end of the day.

“I’m not wearing this thing,” he groused.

“Do you know how many parents we’ve talked to who have given us horror stories of kids they know with brain injuries?”

“Not from riding on the sidewalk,” he snarled.

“Even from riding on the sidewalk,” I said. “One boy hit a stupid pebble, landed on his head, and is still in a coma.”

“Well, it’s your problem for talking to other parents,” he reasoned.

We argued back and forth with me finally throwing up my hands and leaving him in the parking lot, the helmet hanging limply from his hand.

Seconds later, I received a text: “I hate you! I’m not going 2 talk u 4 the rest of the week.”

As ridiculous as that sounds now, it stung when I read it at the time.

“I don’t hate you, though,” I texted back. “I just want you to be safe.”

“But I hate u,” was all I got in response.

I stewed in self-pity and anger until my wife got home.

“He said what to you?” she fumed. “That’s it. Play date’s over.”

We picked up Benjamin from his friend’s house and told him he was grounded until further notice.

Now for my redemption. Benjamin didn’t complain about being embarrassed in front of his buddy. He apologized for his rudeness to me. At home, he hugged me a lot.

This is not to say that our son hasn’t tried to raise the helmet issue again, but he has made wearing it a habit. He’s also been a nicer kid to us than he has been since adolescence kicked in.

I’d like to think that it’s because we set boundaries for him. While it’s often painful to bicker with our beloved child and uncomfortable to curb his burgeoning independence, my wife and I are doing our own growing up as parents. We’ve learned that however monstrous our son may seem in fighting against us, we’d rather avoid the scarier consequences of not drawing the line on safety.

Posted in Adolescence, Columns by Family Man, Holidays, Sports, Teens | 1 Comment

What Dads Need to Know: Five Ways to Raise an Athlete

Posted on October 11, 2011 by Family Man

By Terri Orbuch, PhD

When I was younger, I played competitive tennis in the fall on my high school tennis team, played on the badminton team in the winter, ran for track and field in the spring, and taught tennis in the summers to young children.

As a result of being an athlete, I learned coordination, leadership, team spirit, physical strength, and interpersonal skills. I learned how to cope with loss, frustration, and sheer exhaustion. I was taught to respect my coaches, support my team members, and challenge myself. In fact, sports taught me lessons and skills I would not have easily learned elsewhere. Besides, being an athlete was fun.

That’s why I was saddened to read that, according to the National Alliance for Sports, 20 million kids register each year for youth hockey, football, baseball, soccer, and other competitive sports, but about 70 percent of these kids quit playing these league sports by age 13 — and never play them again. The number one reason they quit, says Michael Pfahl, executive director of the National Youth Sports Coaches Association, “is that it stopped being fun.”

That’s a shame, because the benefits for kids of staying active are many. How can we as parents help our children have fun being athletic? Here are some guidelines.

Get to the root of the issue.

If your child announces that she’s quitting the team, gets anxious before practice, or decides not to try out, find out why. Is she getting harassed by older or better players? Does she routinely get benched or yelled at by the overzealous coach? Is she feeling pressure to perform — either from her teammates or possibly even from you? Some questions to ask: How do you feel about the other kids on the team? How’s the coach treating you? How do you feel about your skills and how you’re doing on the team? Is it fun? If not, why not?

Become more involved.

If you suspect bullying by peers or unfair treatment by the coach, consider attending some practices to see if you can observe the problem firsthand. Another strategy is to get involved with the team, by manning the snack bar, hosting a team party, or being a volunteer scorekeeper, team photographer, or equipment manager. Coaches and teammates appreciate involved parents, and it’s great for your child’s morale.

Keep an upbeat attitude.Your child’s participation in sports is strongly affected by your attitude, so be aware of your words and behavior toward the sport, the coach, the referee or ump, and his teammates. If you’re overly concerned with winning, it sends a negative message to your child. But when you have a positive attitude about his participation (even if he loses, sits on the bench, plays people who are way out of his league, or fails miserably), he’ll imitate your behavior. Don’t be the parent who yells at the coach or refs. And be proud of your child for giving it “his best,” even when he loses.

Find a “sport” your child loves.Not all kids perceive themselves as athletic or oriented toward “sports.” The key is to identify an activity that resonates for your child. For example, does you child love to sketch? Then maybe hiking and birdwatching with a portable easel is the ticket. Is your child noncompetitive? How about biking or skateboarding for him? Is your child theatrical? Sign her up for hip-hop dance studio. From pep squad and marching band to archery and rock climbing, there are so many “sports” for kids that you and your child should be able to come up with something your child loves that develops physical skills. As for competitive team sports, think creatively: ping-pong, badminton, ultimate Frisbee, and bowling are some examples. If it’s not offered at school, find a community organization that sponsors one of these teams.

Keep them engaged with support.Don’t forget that children who are happy in their chosen sport need support too. You can encourage them to stay on course by taking an interest. Just like anything else your child does, your involvement is key to their success in that activity. You don’t have to be the coach, but try to go to their games, practice with them at home, help them pick out the right equipment or clothes, and make sure they get to practices. Even though they may love to play, they want you to feel proud of them too.

Keeping your child connected to sports they enjoy and helping them become passionate about physical activities they love is a gift from you that keeps on giving. Just as kids who grow up eating healthfully eventually adopt these good habits later in life once they’re on their own, being physically active and having positive associations with sports during youth encourages children to remain physically active as adults.

Terri Orbuch PhD, known as The Love Doctor, has been a practicing marriage and relationship therapist for more than 20 years, and is a popular love advisor on radio, TV, Huffington Post, and peoplemedia.com, most recently seen on NBC’s Today. A research professor at the Institute for Social Research at University of Michigan, and a professor at Oakland University, she is author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great (Random House), as well as a forthcoming book on finding love again after divorce. Find out more at www.drterrithelovedoctor.com.

Posted in Activities With Kids, Featured Moms & Dads, Sports | 1 Comment

Dating Dad: Rabbit Stew

Posted on October 11, 2011 by Family Man

By Eric S. Elkins 

Simone and I have had pretty much the same bedtime routine for most of her life. It goes something like this:

1.  She gets ready for bed (“brush face, wash teeth, jammies on”) while I make her some Yogi Bedtime Tea

2.  She crawls into bed and I lay beside her, bedside lamp on, and I read a chapter of some epic novel to her (voices and all), while she drinks her tea out of a sippy cup

3.  I find a place to stop reading, she grouses about “one more page,” and then I turn out the light

4.  She sings the sh’ma, a very important Jewish prayer, and then we snuggle for a few minutes before I kiss her head and leave her to her slumbers

Many, many months ago, I decided it was time for us to read “The Hobbit” together. It took at least a month or two to get through. But we both loved it so much, we went right into the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy without even taking a break. After we’d finish each book, we’d watch Peter Jackson’s movie version.

Little did I know that this foray into Middle Earth would turn from a nighttime routine into a lifestyle decision for my daughter.

I wrote recently about the nascent geek goddess living in my house, but I didn’t explain just how deeply Simone loves the world created by Tolkien — not just the film versions, which were so well-wrought, but the books themselves. She re-read “Fellowship of the Rings” at least three times this summer, crafted her own hobbit tunic from a large T-shirt and fabric markers, and has even taken to reading the many pages of the appendix at the end of our collection — pages and pages of Middle Earth minutiae that she can recall at will. This includes the pronunciation guide, the backstories of several characters, and even some of the history of regions in the fictional world.

So it was Simone who brought it to my attention that September 22 was mentioned as both Frodo and Bilbo the hobbits’ birthdays in the novels. And she was the one who figured out the crazy coincidence that we would most likely finish the last book in the trilogy on that exact date! In fact, Simone had some specific ideas about how she wanted to celebrate her favorite characters’ birthdays.

And, once she told me what she had in mind, I knew I really had no choice but to make it happen. I mean, how could I deny a real-life celebration of the end of our literary adventure, especially when the date was so propitious?

So, the week before the big day, I started researching recipes. The day before, in spite of an unreal amount of work on my to-do list AND a speaking engagement at a local Tedx gathering (video to be posted soon), I found myself driving across the city to find the special ingredients I needed. Exhausted from a full day, after we read the penultimate chapter in the novel and Simone was settled in bed, I stayed up late making Lembas cakes (the elven food our heroes ate on their long journey).

After I woke Simone up early the next morning (and she opened the little elf leaf clasp I ordered for her, to wear to school that day), I made her an omelet with three kinds of mushrooms (she loves, loves, loves mushrooms, and so do the characters), and packed the Lembas in her lunch, wrapped in paper towel “leaves.” Once I dropped her off at school, I came home and taught myself how to make rabbit stew with ‘taters (another staple of Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins).

We walked through the door that evening, a comfortable rustic scent of sage and thyme filling the house.

We filled our hobbit bellies with savory rabbit stew and fresh bread before starting our bedtime routine. And we finished “Return of the King” that night…the last chapter takes place on September 22, so it was all very lovely and poetic. For Simone, it was the perfect culmination of our time reading the book together. For me, it was a gesture of devotion; creating happy, memorable experiences for my little girl.

Friends and Twitter peeps who learned of my efforts were generous with their kudos — they saw me as a wonderful father who was creating lifelong memories of dad/daughter experiences for my little girl. And I appreciated those words of support. But I also couldn’t help wondering if I’d gone overboard; if I had taken on too much, more than I should have, considering how over-committed my life is right now, with work and my community organization and obligations and everything else. Was I spoiling my girl at the expense of my own well-being?

No. I don’t think so. Because making Simone smile, and feeding her passions (whether it’s dinosaurs or monotremes or geek lit) is good for her development and supremely satisfying for me.

Which got me thinking about something else…I just might make a kick-ass boyfriend someday.

Because being the kind of dad I am — one who goes to great lengths to identify and create opportunities for growth and joy for my daughter — comes from being a good listener. I know how to do fun stuff with and/or for Simone because I pay attention.

I’m betting that I’ll be able to do the same thing for a grown woman, too — I’m already in the habit of listening and scheming and coming up with little details and big surprises, so why wouldn’t that translate to a grownup relationship?

Actually, I know I have it in me already, because as early as the first date with someone I like, I’m listening for preferences and passions. Before the first kiss good night, I’m already thinking about gestures both grand and goofy that would make her smile. If it’s one of the rare occasions when I’m being smart, I’ll keep these ideas to myself until a later time when it would be appropriate to share. But…well…I think it’s established that “appropriate” is not an adjective that resonates for me very often.

But it’s interesting to wonder if being a father is also preparing me to be a better partner. Some women I’ve dated over the years have opted to not stick around because they wanted to be the number one person in my life. They didn’t relish the idea of sharing me, or knowing that I put Simone first. But there have been many more who saw my dedication to my daughter as a positive thing — a promise of something good that ran deep in me.

But what if it’s even more than that? What if my daily challenges and struggles (internal and external) to become a better father are actually strengthening my ability to sustain an adult relationship? What if my intention around raising Simone could make me a better spouse some day?

That’s some exciting stuff to think about.

I also learned this summer that having someone around who pays attention to me and the things I love and am interested in is pretty fulfilling, too. But that’s a story for another time.

Eric Elkins’ company WideFoc.us (http://widefoc.us) specializes in using social media and ePR strategies to develop constellations of brand experiences, delivering focused messages to targeted segments. He’s also the author of the young adult novel, Ray,Reflected. Read more of his Dating Dad chronicles at DatingDad.com , or tell him why he’s all wrong by emailing eric@datingdad.com.

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Family Man Recommends: Quick Picks for October

Posted on October 11, 2011 by Family Man

This month’s FMR: Quick Picks is headlined by the latest offering from the legendary Smithsonian Folkways label, Chip Taylor & The Grandkids – Golden Kids Rules. Best known as the songwriter of “Wild Thing” and “Angel of the Morning,” Taylor trades rock and pop for the quieter appeal of folk-based songs sung with his own grandchildren. Sample “I’m Just Thinkin’ About You,” “Magical Horse,” and “Kids to Save the Planet,” among others.

Boston folk-scene staple Alastair Moock follows up his terrific 2009 debut family CD, A Cow Says Moock, with the equally fine These Are My Friends. HIghlights include the knee-slapping “Feets Up” (with Rani Arbo), the delightfully mixed up “CBAs and a Twinkle Baa,” and the catchy and nonsensical “From Me to You.”

Last but hardly least is the new Beethoven’s Wig release, Sing Along Piano Classics. Richarl Perlmutter, the multi-award-winning mind behind this wacky yet educational series of CDs dips into his bottomless well of tongue-twisting lyrics that accompany the classical originals. Lend your ears to such tracks as “Poor Uncle Joe” (based on Chopin’s “Funeral March”), “A Piano is Stuck in the Door” (Scott Joplin’s “The Entertainer”), and “Voyage to the Moon” (Debussy’s “Clair de Lune”).

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