The frank answer to the above question is no. We live in a world in which horrible things happen, even when we are on constant watch to prevent them. This is why we cannot let our fears of what might happen prevent us or our children from living dynamic and full lives. Should we tell our kids that bad stuff happens and that we must be mindful of dangers? Yes. But we must also tell them that we will protect them when they’re young and prepare them when they’re older to take in all the life they can.

You can read more about my suggestions for explaining disasters at http://www.familymanonline.com/moms_and_dads.php?id=89. But I also want to say that, while horrific events like this will happen again, I have thoughts on how we can react in a proactive way. First, we must address the root of the problem with the young man in Virginia. He was mentally ill, showed signs of violent thoughts (even writing about them in plays), and was a loner. We need to ask about our approach to the mentally ill. Was he getting the care and attention he needed, not just for his sake but for the safety of others? Isolation is also a major issue. As our world expands, we seem to be drifting further from our neighbors, our co-workers, even our families (especially extended families). What are we doing to connect? We should be reaching out, with basic greetings and moments in which we stop and talk to each other whether it’s for the one minute we thought we didn’t have for the person in the check-out line or the three-hour dinner with a cousin with whom we lost touch. When we do things like this, we model for our children, showing them how to bridge social gaps.

We will spend weeks going over the details of this tragedy, laying a lot of blame on the campus police for not locking down the school after the first shooting. My current thought is that the security response was lacking and that we should demand that the schools and institutions where our kids spend time be prepared for disasters, scary as it is to imagine. For superb ideas on how parents can make schools safer, read Michele Borba’s recommendations at http://www.micheleborba.com/Pages/ArtBMI01.htm .

However, focusing on the security issue alone would diminish the larger concerns mentioned above. We must come together, not break apart or hide behind walls, in the face of this event. We must find ways to help each other with the hope that we can minimize the disaster of isolation with the benefits of connection.

With all the scandal plaguing the Walter Reed Army hospital for its deplorable treatment of our soldiers comes a new report that other problems exist within military medical centers, particularly with regard to caring for mental health patients (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=7738485). I listened to the radio report, finding myself taken in by the parents who spoke of their children who had been neglected despite suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and other ailments. Whatever a person’s stand is on the military involvement in Afghanistan and Iran, it seems we all should agree about the sacrifices of our soldiers. We must care for them, in sickness and in health, the way we do our own children, for so many of them are barely older than high-school students. The majority of us will never know the mental effects of being in a war zone, of being responsible for the lives of other soldiers, and then having to walk around as a civilian with those memories. We must give these brave men and women more psychological care before, during, and after — long after — they serve in the field.

Unfortunately, the military is not the only place in which mental health care is lacking. The reality is that the medical care system at large too often ignores the urgency of many mental health issues. Health maintenance organizations put limits on the number of visits mental health patients can have and how much will be covered, despite the fact that depression and other diagnosable health cases appear to be on the rise (witness Newsweek’s cover story on men and depression - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17190411/site/newsweek/). In light of all our resources as a great nation, we do too little to keep ourselves healthy, in mind and body. We, as parents, should speak out, lobby, and vote in ways that make the country more attentive to the full health care needs of this and future generations.

I implore you to listen to a story of how fatherhood can transcend the fear of death by clicking on the audio commentary from Saleem Amer, a member of the NPR staff in Baghdad (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6740125). This is the second part of Amer’s reflections on becoming a dad amidst the constant terror of an unstable country (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6585623). Amer describes how he chose to stay at a hospital with his wife and newborn son despite the threat of death because he felt compelled to do so. So many of us are fortunate to live in far safer environments, but we all can — and often do — feel the power and responsibility of being a father. Mr. Amer certainly does and I am humbled by his courage.

Thanks to a couple of my high-school students who introduced me to the music of John Mayer, I’ve become a big fan of the pop and blues star. The fact that he’s popular with teenagers is encouraging, especially when his most recent single, “Waiting On the World to Change,” talks about a generation that is starting to think about how they will lead us into the next era. But a key sentiment in the lyrics and title involves a cynicism that, while it seems motivational to Mayer, may be a bit darker in other young people.

I recently read a gaggle of practice SAT essays on a question that asks the question: ‘Does the future look bright?’ Of the papers I looked over, maybe two of them showed a sense of hope for the years to come. The rest of the essays talked about war, terrorism, pollution, diminishing resources, intolerance, and a host of other worldly ills as they argued that the future looks dim. Sadly, few of the students had any answers for how to make things better, which is what worries me.

This is certainly not the only sign of resignation from our youth but, if anything, it is one that should inspire us, as parents, to do something positive. We need to work much harder to give our children hope. Maybe this can be chalked up to teenage depression, but I seem to recall — when I was a lad — that we had more of a feeling that the world had room to grow. Instead, I’m reading the words of kids who think we’ve ruined it for them. We’ve got a lot to do, folks, and I, for one, still have hope that we can make the world a much better place. We need to give our children confidence that they’re not heading into a losing situation. More than ever, I encourage your feedback on this. What can we do to inspire hope and idealism in our kids?

A fierce new battle in Israel and Lebanon, the ongoing war in Iraq, trouble in Iran and possibly North Korea. Ethnic cleansing in Darfur, Sudan. Hurricanes and tsunamis. Global warming. Anybody else hyperventilating, yet? Leaving our own anxieties on the side for the moment, the bigger question is how do we care for our children in the face of all these danger and hatred.  I have a few ideas, some of which can be read by clicking over to an article on easing our kids’ fears that I first put together after the tsunami in Indonesia.

Briefly, I think we have to limit our children’s exposure to TV and sometimes print news. I am thankful for the media’s frequently intrepid coverage of war and disaster, especially when it’s balanced, but children under 9 (and often older) can easily be horribly frightened about what they cannot control in the world. We, as parents, need to save our news accumulation for the hours when our children are in bed or safely in school or camp. That also means not listening to news in the car when the kids are present.
 
Still, children cannot be completely sheltered, so they will have questions. We have to answer them. The key is to focus on telling our young ones that we will protect them. Even when we’re unsure that we can defend them against tornadoes or missiles, we have to assure them that we’ll do everything in our power to shelter them.
 
Because my thoughts are simply not enough, I want your own views. Please post your thoughts and suggestions on protecting our kids in light of this dangerous world. Should we all move to the seemingly calm hinterlands of Canada? Are we actually safer and should we just relax? Now, more than ever is a time for community, so let’s talk.