Monthly Archives: April 2012

When I’m 100

Posted on April 11, 2012 by Family Man

By Gregory Keer

My first grader came home recently with a completed assignment called, “When I Am 100 Years Old.” For it, he had drawn a picture of himself at the century mark, looking pretty much the way he does now, but with a long gray beard. Apparently, this is all it takes to distinguish a seven year old from a centenarian.

Under the picture was his life-topping accomplishment, “I will be a riter.”

In five words, my youngest son managed to reveal a treasure trove of insight. He told me his lifelong plans. He revealed that these schemes have to do with his connection to me, the guy he sees scribbling stories. And he showed he can’t spell worth diddlysquat.

This month marks my birthday. Because I am a “riter,” I’m spending time reflecting on how I’m doing goal-wise on my marchtoward (God willing) 100 years. There are areas I’m on target with, including keeping my marriage healthy, doing meaningful work, and making efforts on behalf of social causes. Among the aims I still want to achieve are learning to cook really well, playing at least one musical instrument, speaking Spanish, living in another city (if only for a season), and improving my free-throw shooting.

Above all, the category in which I’d like to improve most is fatherhood. It’s one reason I write these self-indulgent columns that chronicle the tinkering I do as a dad. While some of this labor is just me being nitpicky, a lot of it has to do with being better at following the biggest lesson I’ve learned about parenting – my children’s lives cannot be scripted. I cannot mold them in my image or in the image of someone I’d like them to be. I can give them plenty of good materials, but they have to craft themselves.

Having Ari say he wants to be a writer is nice now, but it’s likely he’ll do something different for a living. Ari loves to build stuff and take things apart to see what makes them tick. I have zero mechanical ability, so it’s hard for me to relate or even play alongside him when he reconfigures a door handle or surrounds his bed with various pulleys and other contraptions. My job is to let him horde boxes, tools, and various bits (which drives me nuts in that he keeps his room like a junk yard), so he can develop into who he wants to be. I’m fairly certain he will be some sort of engineer, though I’m trying to keep this kind of guessing to myself.

My middle son is most like me in his passions for writing stories, remembering lots of entertainment trivia, and having his feelings easily hurt. At the same time, his penchant for taking charge of situations and doing all his homework well ahead of schedule are far from my personal tendencies. Jacob currently thinks he’ll be an artist (architect, painter, or performer), while I imagine him becoming a creative businessman. Yet, he’s so full of interests and willingness to soak up information, he may be the kind of person who tries out a lot of things out. This could be difficult for making a consistent life, but it could also mean he’ll never be bored.

My 13 year old is the most open book of my three. He loves imaginative books, but prefers computers and science over discussing human nature. He doesn’t mind sports, though he veers away from competition. And he’s efficient at getting assignments done — when he feels it’s worth his time. As my eldest, he’s borne the brunt of my clumsiest parenting as I’ve pushed him the hardest on everything from studying more to maintaining better posture. Yet, this kid is more at ease than I ever was with a variety of friends and has a better sense of enjoying the world’s simple things. I worry he may lead a fairly modest life, but I’m confident he’ll rise to the level of happiness he wants for himself.

Too much of my early fatherhood years have been anchored in feeling I only have value if I show my sons the right way to do things. It’s often made me too intense in getting them to follow instructions and too judgmental of mistakes when I’ve warned them of pitfalls. All of this has been about making me more important to them than necessary.

For a dad – or any parent – that is a tough insight to internalize. I don’t know all the right answers, and even when I think I do, there is wisdom in keeping most of them to myself. Although I am bound by the parenting code that compels me to keep my kids safe and armed with good resources, I hope to mark the road to 100 with much more observing and cheerleading as my sons grow their own gray hairs.

Posted in Child Development, Columns by Family Man, Humor, Perspective | 6 Comments

What Dads Need to Know: Fostering Initiative in Children & Adolescents

Posted on April 11, 2012 by Family Man

By Dr. Marilyn Price-Mitchell

I have to admit, I’ve grown uncomfortable with the word happiness. Used to describe a myriad of good things in life, including love, fleeting moments of joy, and chocolate bars, we often talk about it as a destination just down the road.

But happiness is part of a journey – and helping kids navigate the journey with courage and optimism is part of raising healthy children.

Alfred D. Souza made a great point: “For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

Indeed, obstacles are a part of life. And often they seem endless. So wouldn’t our kids be happier adults if they learned how to overcome challenges and obstacles? These questions led me to discover the meaning and importance of youth initiative development.

What is Initiative?

The ability to propel life forward in purposeful directions, initiative directs our attention toward a challenging goal and helps us overcome obstacles. It encompasses both an inner energy and an outer action. Initiative is an important part of positive youth development.

Initiative is developed in late childhood and adolescence through mastery experiences and relationships that help kids believe in themselves. Since initiative can be used to accomplish good or evil, it also involves instilling positive values in childhood, like kindness, compassion, and empathy for others.

Initiative is developed through internal rewards, like creativity, dignity, autonomy, making a difference for others, and activities that help kids create their own futures. It is not developed through external rewards like grades, winning, awards, and money.

Initiative-Building Activities

Researchers have identified three important elements of initiative-building activities during childhood and
adolescence.

  • Kids must choose it for themselves because it gives them “internal” rewards! Examples include music
    programs    , service-learning, and a myriad of other after-school activities.
  • The activity must take place in an environment that contains rules, challenges, and complexities inherent in the real world. They must face intellectual, interpersonal, and intrapersonal challenges that go beyond grades, winning a game, and other external rewards.
  • The activity must be sustained over a period of time. Rather than doing lots of activities, it is better to focus on a few for longer periods of time so kids learn to persevere despite challenges.

Compelling Facts

  • IQ accounts for less than 25% of life success. Emotional intelligence, including initiative, accounts for the rest.
  • Boredom is the antithesis of initiative. Both honor students and those involved in delinquent activities report the highest levels of boredom in the U.S., many more than 50% of the time.
  • Kids who lack initiative are more prone to depression.
  • Children and adolescents with high levels of initiative spend twice as much time in hobbies and sports than kids with low levels and they spend more time with their families.
  • Traditional classrooms and homework, activities that account for more than 30% of kids waking hours, have limited potential for experiencing initiative.

Communication Tips that Foster Initiative in Children and Adolescents

  • When children blame, moan, or whine, turn it into an opportunity to find out what they care about! Uncover hidden convictions that can fuel initiative and action in the world.
  • Shift from a language of “Prizes and Praising” to a language of “Ongoing Regard.” Instead of giving praise for all the things children “do,” communicate appreciation for who they are.
  • Help kids learn to solve their own problems and navigate obstacles. Allow them to fail. Be a mentor in the process!

How Parents and Educators Foster Initiative through Mentoring

  • Be on the sidelines to help facilitate children’s learning.
  • Encourage children to get back on their feet after a fall – because you believe in them.
  • Be a helpful guide as children identify challenges, reflect on their choices, arrive at decisions, adjust strategies, and plans next steps. Listen and encourage.
  • Be a role model. Show them how you get things done but don’t do things for them that they can do for themselves.

I plan to spend a lot more time discussing the topic of initiative and other character strengths in future blog posts. I’d love to hear from you about your experiences as parents, educators, and mentors of young people. How have you fostered initiative in children? What kinds of activities bring the highest internal rewards? Why? How do classrooms
foster initiative? Lots to discuss! Stay tuned!

©2012 Marilyn Price-Mitchell. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.

Dr. Marilyn Price-Mitchell is a developmental psychologist and researcher. A mother, stepmother, and grandmother, she is founder of Roots of Action where she brings evidence-based research on youth development to popular audiences. She writes a column for Psychology Today, The Moment of Youth. She is president of the National ParentNet Association, a nonprofit organization devoted to building parent-school-community partnerships that help kids succeed in school and life. Connect with Marilyn on Facebook, Twitter or at www.mpricemitchell.com.

Posted in Adolescence, Child Development, Featured Moms & Dads, What Dads Need to Know | Leave a comment

April Highlights Autism Awareness and Child-Abuse Prevention

Posted on April 11, 2012 by Family Man

April is both Autism Awareness Month as well as Child-Abuse Prevention Month. Both of these concern the welfare of children and deserve our attention whether they affect us directly or not. As a father and educator, I have met a number of children who have been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or autism. As I write this posting, I know I need to teach my own children more about the friends they have who are affected by autism, though we have had discussions about the need to include people with differences in our lives rather than separate from them.

The Autism Speaks site explains that, “Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and autism are both general terms for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors.” The site goes on to explain that “the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) identify around 1 in 88 American children as on the autism spectrum–a ten-fold increase in prevalence in 40 years.” The CDC also cites statistics to show that autism is diagnosed more commonly in boys than in girls. To learn more about autism, a couple of key Web sites include the one for Autism Speaks and the Autism Society.

With regard to child-abuse prevention, this topic is more relevant than ever, given our needed increase in sensitivity to children bullying other children. One reason bullying exists is because kids are abused, either physically or psychologically by the adults in their lives. A new book is coming out that has an interesting approach to making us all more sensitive to the subject. Written by Magdalena Gómez and María Luisa Arroyo, Bullying: Replies, Rebuttals, Confessions and Catharsis (Skyhorse Publishing, May 2012) is an anthology of stories, poems, and plays that help illuminate the experience for children, from an inter-generational and multicultural perspective.

Please share your thoughts and suggestions about these topics by posting a comment whenever you wish.

Posted in Anger Management, Blog, Books, Child Development, Health, Protecting Children, Special Needs | 1 Comment

Family Man Recommends: Quick Picks for April 2012

Posted on April 11, 2012 by Family Man

Reviewed by Gregory Keer

Leading off this edition of the FMR: Quick Picks is Invisible Friends, the newest album from Dean Jones and his Dog on Fleas trio. Jones has been putting his magic musical touch on a lot of other projects, including those by Recess Monkey, the Deedle Deedle Dees, and Elizabeth Mitchell, but it’s clear he has plenty of tricks left for this rollicking new disc. “There’s a Band in My Head” offers a zany assortment of instruments to depict what’s going on inside the singer’s noggin. Other clearly audible (if not visible) good stuff includes the well-supported (by superstar kindie-rock vocalists) “Peapod,” the unusual “Fortunate Mistake,” the aptly named “Party,” and the toe-tapping “Has Anybody Seen My Shoes?” The collection is upbeat, eclectic, and simply terrific all around.

Mo Phillips is an offbeat performer who records in lo-fi (from what he calls his “secret ninja laboratory in Portland, Oregon”). Monster Suit sounds like this musician, dad, and educator is performing right now in your garage. Drop the needle down on such songs as the early-’60s-style “The Worst Party Ever Thrown,” the inclusive tale of “The Princess and the Cowboy,” and the strange but catchy “Rollerskate Banana Peels.” This is a disc that will sneak up on you and make you sing along for your kids. Trust me, you’ll all be better for it.

World of Wonder comes from singer-songwriter Alison Faith Levy, a longtime member of the kindie-rock ensemble The Sippy Cups. She’s got a strong and true voice as evidenced by her work on The Pretenders-like “Like a Spiining Top,” the lovely “Three Tulips,” and the swaying “I Had a Rooster.” World of Wonder fits the preschool set nicely with its messages and lessons, though the deeply felt music can transcend any age bracket.

Posted in Family Man Recommends, Family Music, Music | Leave a comment

The Pop Ups – Radio Jungle

Posted on April 11, 2012 by Family Man

Reviewed by Gregory Keer

Let’s start off with the full disclosure that I work with musician/composer/educator Jared Stein, the brother of Jacob Stein, who, with Jason Rabinowitz, comprises The Pop Ups. As is his low-key way, Jared did no more than mention there would be a follow-up to the shining debut disc, Outside Voices (#2 on the Family Man Recommends best of 2010 list). Instead, Jared’s pride in his brother’s work was reflected in the way he let the album speak for itself.

I’d like to do the same here by just encouraging you to scoop up this recording right away, but I have a habit of writing about music I like, so indulge me as I introduce one of the more adventurous bunches of family songs to come along this or any year.

Because Stein and Rabinowitz have developed a show (premiering in their home city of Brooklyn later this month) that features the songs of Radio Jungle, the whole album has a theatrical quality that engages young listeners to learn and laugh as they listen. An Outkast meets Earth, Wind & Fire influence shimmers through “Connect the Stars,” which will make kids boogie while they sing along about seeing animals in the night sky. The song benefits from the addition of Shine and the Moonbeams’ Shawana Kemp vocalizing with the guys. “Math Rock” veers to a more contemporary indie-rock sound as it inspires kids to count with the music. “Box of Crayons” continues the rocking out as it extols the benefits of coloring your own pictures of the world. The duo flies to Eastern Europe for a musical departure highlighted by strings and a clarinet on “Feelings Change.”

Rhythms from the real jungles of Latin America breeze throughout a number of the pieces, as shown on “The Bat,” which stirs up mystery and light about the winged mammal. Two of the liveliest tracks are about stuff you pick and eat. “Best Fruit” layers in character voices with its Ozomatli-like mix for an interactive salad of a tune and “Banana” gets all Caribbean on us in its lesson on one of the world’s most
popular fruits.

Radio Jungle has a little bit of Sesame Street and a lot of musical ingenuity that pushes well beyond the usual boundaries of family music. With it, the Pop Ups have quickly secured their place as one of the genres leading lights.

www.thepopups.com – $10 (CD)/$9 (Digital) – Ages 2 to 9

Posted in Family Man Recommends, Family Music, Music | Leave a comment