Monthly Archives: November 2011

Feeling Full

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Family Man

Contrary to what scientists have told us about the psychological makeup of a turkey, I believe this bird feels a fair amount of pressure in November. The poor guy has enough to bear, what with that hideous piece of skin flopping around below his chin and the whole missed opportunity as America’s national bird. November, or earlier for those fowl friends headed for the frozen meat case, brings all the stress of when that axe is going to drop.

For Tom Turkey, the anxiety comes to an end before the actual Thanksgiving feast. For me, the harvest holiday represents decades of agitation over making the parental units happy.

As a product of divorce, I’ve been challenged by Turkey Day since I was 11, bouncing between my parents’ homes from year to year. Each holiday meal has had the sweet of good times with one side of the family with the sour of the other side feeling pained without me being there. Even in my teen/early-20s years when my dark moods could eclipse the sunshine of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, the left-out contingent would exclaim, “But I miss your scowling face at my table.”

So I’ve attempted to make it up to whoever doesn’t get me by doing some combination of awkward apology, attendance for a pre- or post-Thanksgiving makeup dinner, a drop-by for dessert, or just a guilt-ridden phone call.

I know none of my parents intended for me to be in the middle of an annual November custody battle, but the pushing and pulling happens nonetheless. It usually leaves me feeling like the Scarecrow of Wizard of Oz fame – my stuffing (turkey pun intended) gets scattered.

Once Wendy and I became a couple, the tug-of-war over my Thanksgiving family allegiance added a third direction as my in-laws vied for our attendance at their table. They’ve been gracious enough to invite my parents to join the meal on numerous occasions, which in turn has encouraged my folks to do the same. While that’s happened a few times, various factors have prevented it from being a regular thing. Even when we’ve ventured to combine all the parents at our home, it hasn’t worked out to be the complete family picture that makes everyone, let alone me, feel right. Let’s just say, the scene has been more Jackson Pollock than Norman Rockwell.

Actually, when it comes to Thanksgiving and family, nothing is regular. Over the past 30-plus years, marriages, divorces, and moves to other states have changed the cast of characters and made the holiday gathering look like a biological cell that divides, multiplies, and subtracts.

Now that my own nuclear family has grown, the concern for my sense of unity at the festival table has turned outward. The funny thing is, my kids could care less.

For my sons, Thanksgiving is not about what’s missing at the table – unless it’s candied yams, the lack of which has been known to cause them to riot. To them, the ever-changing groups of relatives makes the holiday more interesting, not depressing. They’ve never known it any other way than to have a Lazy Susan-style schedule of meals in which they cycle through each set of grandparents.

Largely because of the divorce after-effects, I never wanted my children to feel responsible for making a whole out of a segmented family experience. My wife and I have used good luck and hard work in our marriage and family experience to give our kids something connected in a world of increasing splintered parts.

All of this being said, my children, in fact most kids, have amazing powers of stitching together the good parts of a family situation such as a divided holiday. It’s the adults, like me, who have the difficulties. Rather than worry over what’s missing, I need to see what and who is right there in front of me or else no Thanksgiving can ever feel fulfilling.

As usual, I’ve learned this lesson from my sons. To them, the Thanksgiving tradition involves rotating around to the various grandparents who love them dearly. At Bubbie and Zaydie’s, there’s the chance to eat lemon mold before going off to wreak havoc in the play room. At Nana and Papa’s, it’s about the joys of the kids’ table followed by the hugs from the grown-ups’ section. At Grandma Judi and Great-Grandma Jenny’s, it’s about a road trip to Arizona for enough grandma kisses to last a year.

It all works together to create a different kind of whole for my boys. Because of their appreciation for what they see as variety where I had seen chaos, my days of feeling something’s missing at the holiday are fading. For this, I am truly thankful.

Posted in Columns by Family Man, Holidays | 1 Comment

Football & Secrets: Nothing Should Go Before Child Protection

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Family Man

 

The scandal that has rocked the Nittany Lions football program and Penn State University itself will not leave the public consciousness for a long, long time. And it shouldn’t. So many people, from sports columnists to psychologists to the President himself have commented on something that should never have happened. If you’ve been hiding under a rock, or are simply a person who (understandably) finds so much of the news full of darkness that you cannot bear to tune in, you can read about the facts here.

I’m not sure I have anything new or profound to help make sense of this situation, which will only get worse for the people involved, but one thing many, including me, want to make clear: this must scare all of us adults into doing a better job of protecting children. A large number of people — Penn State head coach Joe Paterno, the university’s president, the assistant coach who witnessed a horrible crime — did not do what should have been done in the interest of those boys who were being hurt by Sandusky. They should have prioritized above everything else — above the football program, their own reputations, the university, friendship, whatever — the security of those boys.

Now, more facts about this case will become clear. And I do hope that my own doubts about the morals of those who did not act more strenuously to see that those children were helped will be cleared with evidence that shows that the bystanders actually did more than they did. However, so many details have been revealed that there is no way this could have gone on for all the years it did without some serious negligence.

As a man, I am so profoundly ashamed that anyone could be so otherwise preoccupied to let harm come to children. In this time of uncertainty, in an election year in which we are all politicizing our values, I believe we must prioritize our children above all else. We must educate them — give them the power to believe in themselves and their intellectual abilties — so that they can be less susceptible to manipulation. We must educate and support all parents — whatever their background or economic status — so they can be better equipped to provide for and protect their children. So much of this is about communication in order to keep kids far away from those who would manipulate and prey upon their weaknesses. If we do these things, in addition to better and more prompt legal protection, then we can put a dent in these kinds of terrible consequences.

If you are inclined, please comment and keep the discussion going. I believe a lot will be done by the authorities to help the victims now. What we all can do, though, is help prevent more children from becoming victims.

Posted in Blog, Protecting Children | 2 Comments

Family Man Recommends: Quick Picks for November

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Family Man

With a little extra family time over the winter holidays, here are some FMR: Quick Picks for car rides and afternoon lazing-about sessions.

Things That Roar marks the debut of Papa Crow, aka Jeff Krebs, a Michigan-based mutli-instrumentalist with an easy-going style that clicks with young listeners (and older ears, too). Layered with Krebs’s straightforward folk vocals and his ukele, guitar, and banjo-playing, there’s much to crow about, including such songs as “Baby Makes Three” (with a kazoo solo at the end!), “The Peek-a-Boo Waltz,” “Polar Bear in a Snowstorm,” and “When I Grow Up.”

Rocknoceros presents its fourth album, following such clever discs as Pink! and Dark Side of the Moon Bounce, and it’s full of catchy melodies and animal facts. Colonel Purple Turtle (also available with a companion book) ranges over musical styles, from Latin/Calypso (“Harry Elefante”) to to pop-rock (“Echolocation’) to jazz (“Truman Coyote”).

For preschool kids, the new Jim Gill release, Music Play for Folks of All Stripes, is an impeccably crafted piece of edu-tainment. In teaching kids about the connection between music and play, Gill covers a diverse landscape that’s incredibly user-friendly. Sample “Beethoven’s Five Finger Play,” “The Onomatopoeia Pizzeria,” and “Habanera La La La,” among others.

From Russia with love comes Sand Castle, the elegant creation of dad-composer Sasha Bondarev. Nine songs reflect Bondarev’s background in Russia (there’s a classical-music feel to some of the songs, here) as well as his adopted home of America (where he has lived for the past 10 years). Try “Masha and the Rain,” “Little Pirate,” and “March of the Toy Soldiers.”

Posted in Family Man Recommends, Family Music, Music | Leave a comment

The Deedle Deedle Dees – Strange Dees, Indeed.

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Family Man

Reviewed by Gregory Keer

Calling themselves “America’s Ultimate Teaching Band” only tells part of the story, but it’s a pretty big chunk of what makes The Deedle Deedle Dees a revelation of a band. These tenaciously talented Dees have a new album that is offbeat, a little strange, and super smart — a combination that is surprisingly effective. It’s a little like They Might Be Giants for an older crowd of kids.

The disc has 19 songs, each of which touches on such topics as historical figures, philosophical concepts, and folkloric tales. Sirius/XM’s Kids Place Live currently has the opening track of “Ah Ahimsa” playing frequently, largely because of its exotic sound and message about nonviolence (with references to Gandhi). “The Golem” uses klezmer-style strains along with its explanation of the mystical creature created to save the Jewish people from harm in 16th century Prague. Employing a late-‘70s rock sound (a bit of Joe Jackson and Queen), “Sacagawea” offers details of the Lewis and Clark guide from the grateful perspective of William Clark.

The Brooklyn-based band consists of leader/songwriter Lloyd Miller (who goes by Ulysses S. Dee), mandolin/guitar player Ari Dolegowski (Moby Dee), multi-instrumentalist (largely keyboards) Chris Johnson (Booker Dee), and percussionist Ely Levin (Otto von Dee). With the direction of producer Dean Jones (of Dog on Fleas), this recording is as musically potent and assured as it is educationally engaging. More highlights of the project range from the soaring story-song of African American pioneer “Sojourner Truth” to the quirky “Birds of America Don’t Care-Oh,” which offers a view that birds might have of the portraits Audubon painted. Two tracks also worth noting take on New York history: “Mayor LaGuardia’s Stomach” (about Moby Dee’s grandmother bumping into the legendary politician of NYC) and “Henry (Hudson), How Ya Gonna Find a Way? (which mixes history about the 17th century explorer and the tale of “Rip Van Winkle”).

Because the lyrics offers so much enlightenment, it’s well worth calling up the group’s Web pages explaining the content of the songs’ words (http://teachddd.blogspot.com). There are even reading recommendations for adults. Strange Dees. Indeed. is an endlessly entertaining and instructive package of music. It makes the top 5 of my picks for 2011.

www.thedeedledeedledees.com and http://teachddd.blogspot.com – $10 (CD) – Ages 4 to 11

Posted in Education, Family Man Recommends, Family Music | Leave a comment

What Dads Need to Know – Raising Kids With Values

Posted on November 13, 2011 by Family Man

By Dr. Jenn Berman

When it comes to instilling values, parents face greater challenges than ever before. Children today are bombarded with anti-values messages all day long through television, movies, music, the Internet and billboards. Kids have fewer young role models that demonstrate valuable contributions to society than they did in years past. Instead they have people like Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, and Brody Jenner, kids who are known for, respectively, her buttocks, a sex tape, and dating other reality stars and for their parents’ money. As though that is not enough of a stumbling block, kids today also suffer from a lack of meaningful adult and peer relationships. So many of us, young and old, tend to be focused on Blackberries, laptops and television screens at the expense of meaningful connections and relationships.

According to a poll by Parents Magazine, the top five values that parents want to imbue in their children are: honesty, self esteem, kindness, self-reliance, and concern for others, qualities which are the building blocks for a moral person and a decent society. However, despite the fact that 70 percent of those polled said that they want to instill self esteem in their children, most parents don’t realize that giving kids the ability to make a difference is the greatest single inoculation against poor self esteem they can give. In addition, giving back to others and knowing that you can positively influence the lives of other people creates a sense of self efficacy while the meaningful activities themselves decrease isolation and self centeredness which in turn helps to build self esteem.

Where to Begin

When most parents think about teaching their children to give back, they tend to think about teens or even elementary school kids. But as Oprah Winfrey said recently, “You are never too young to make a big difference in somebody’s life.” By teaching this lesson to children as young as two or three years old, you help them develop at an early age the habit of giving and helping others which causes this way of thinking and behaving to become deeply ingrained.

Three great tools to start with are:

Books – Books open doors to new concepts, cultures and traditions. It is easy to start young since there are so many great values related books out there for young kids. Early on, start reading books about issues and qualities you value. Check out great toddler books like: The Story of Rosa Parks, The Peace Book, The Snail and the Whale, and Little Bear’s Little Boat.

Discussion – Look for opportunities for meaningful discussions and show your child that you value her opinion during conversations. Use books to open values based conversations. I recently had a conversation with my three year old daughters about peer pressure after reading Hey Little Ant where a little boy’s friends try to pressure the boy in the book to step on an ant.

Modeling Behavior – For many parents, this is the greatest difficulty of parenting. Our kids are always watching us and what we do is far more impactful than what we say. Not only do we have to be role models, but also leaders. Next time you are making a charitable donation, instead of doing it quietly at your computer where your kids can’t see, let your children be involved. Let them pick the charity to which you send your donation. Next time you are thinking of a family vacation, consider planning a volunteer vacation. You can build an orphanage in China, teach English, or help save an endangered species. Work together as a family to make an impact on the world and you will help your child while you help others.

Making New Traditions

Sure it is wonderful to go and feed the homeless around Thanksgiving but people are hungry all year round. Think about making a family New Year’s resolution not only to give back on a regular basis but also to have discussions about important issues and values. As children get older the conversations become increasingly complex and their ability to volunteer becomes greater. Try making one of the following a year round tradition:

  • Make a Kindness Scrapbook. Create a scrapbook to document things that family members do to help others. Since we started ours, my daughters have made cards for sick children, donated money to save an endangered species, and sent their favorite books to a child in need.
  • Start a Dinner Table Foundation. Every month save up twenty dollars or more to donate to a charity. Let each of your children “pitch” their first choice charity.
  • Collect Something for Others. Collect canned food for a food bank, DVDs for donations to a charity like KidFlicks.org, or clothing for a community homeless organization. Each month, with your kid’s help, find something new to give to others.
  • Be Generous to Public Servants. Drop off some baked goods at the local fire station. You can use this as an opportunity to talk to your kids about people who help keep us safe and giving back to the community. Just make sure you call your local fire station to make sure they are open to receiving visitors.
  • Volunteer together. There are so many opportunities to volunteer, especially for older kids. Try food banks, homeless shelters, hospitals, and old age homes. For a great selection of possibilities in your area check out VolunteerMatch.org, a free online service that matches people with appropriate volunteer opportunities.

Keeping Your Family Connected

Kids learn values best when they feel close and connected with their families. Three things you can do to make that happen are:

  1. Have family dinner together. Studies show that kids who eat with their family are less likely to try drugs or alcohol, are more physically fit, experience more academic success, have more nutritionally balanced diets, and have a reduced risk for eating disorders. According to a University of Minneapolis study, the more frequent family meals were eaten together and the more connected a family felt, the more self esteem went up while negative factors like depression, suicidal ideation and suicide attempts went down. This underscores the importance that strong connections have to creating meaningful relationships and generating real influence over your child’s values.
  2. Turn off the TV. Media has become a replacement for family interaction. Given the excessive number of hours adults spend watching television, experts report that parents now have more eye contact with television characters than they have with their own family members. Television can decrease communication with one another and stunt the development of family relationships, which are the foundation for a child’s relationships outside of the family.
  3. Have family meetings. Family meetings are a great way for children to feel heard in their family. A good family meeting serves as a microcosm of the real world, giving your child the opportunity to influence others, develop empathy, and learn cooperation, which are all important values.

Dr. Jenn Berman is a Marriage, Family and Child Therapist in private practice in Los Angeles. She has appeared as a psychological expert on hundreds of television shows including The Oprah Winfrey Show and is a regular on The Today Show, The Early Show, and CNN. She hosts a live daily call-in advice show called “The Love and Sex Show with Dr. Jenn” on Sirius/XM’s Cosmo Radio 5-7 pm PST (heard five hours a day seven days a week). She is the author of the LA Times best selling books SuperBaby: 12 Ways to Give Your Child a Head Start in the First 3 Years and The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy Confident Kids. In May 2011 she will be releasing her first children’s book Rockin’ Babies. Her award winning “Dr. Jenn” parenting column is printed in Los Angeles Family Magazine and five other magazines is read by half a million readers ever month. Dr. Jenn is also on the Board of Advisors for Parents Magazine. In addition, Dr. Jenn has an eco-friendly clothing line for adults and children called Retail Therapy . All the tees have positive “feel good” messages and are made of organic and recycled materials. Dr. Jenn lives in Los Angeles with her husband and twin daughters. For more information on go to www.DoctorJenn.com or follow her on Twitter at www.Twitter.com/drjennberman and www.Facebook.com/DrJennBerman.

Posted in Child Development, Ethics, Featured Moms & Dads, Morals, Values, What Dads Need to Know | Leave a comment