With the Alec Baldwin-Ireland Baldwin-Kim Basinger story that has filled the media with content for more than a week, we get one of our prime examples of how America preoccupies itself with bagging on celebrities because we feel better when we see ourselves as better adjusted than the rich and famous. Last week, I talked about the case on FOX’s Studio B program and stated the obvious: Baldwin made a big mistake in verbaling abusing his daughter over the phone. Worse yet, he did it in a voicemail, for his daughter to hear over and over again — and for Kim Basinger’s lawyers to use against him.
This brings out the other side to this story, which is how the lawyers and media got the recording. However we slice it, Basinger sent it over and agreed to its public airing for the sake of saving her daughter from the angry dad (though there may be some other nastier reasons as well). But didn’t this put Ireland in an even worse position, now that she’s under as much public scrutiny as her parents? I’ve read some interesting points about whether Basinger has been engaging in something called Parental Alienation, in which one parent poisons the water between a parent and child to keep the other parent away from the child. This may or may not be happening, though it still does not take away the harm Baldwin did in his phone call.
It should be noted that, since the recorded tirade, Baldwin has apologized to his daughter and gone on The View to show humility. He knows he made a bad choice and he wants forgiveness for his flaws as a parent (he even offered to quit his hit sitcom 30 Rock to keep his co-stars out of the fracas). I don’t know enough about the case to make a perfect assumption here, but what I do know seems to show that Baldwin is not a criminal and loves his daughter very much. Lots of counseling and legal parameters need to be in place, but his daughter needs his involvement and he appears to want to do that. In fact, based on the fact that he wasn’t even sure how old she is reveals that he should be a lot more involved. What remains is that we have a child put in the middle of a horrible divorce and two parents who must think of her first, now that they hate each other. They must be civil and prove to Ireland that she matters more than their petty differences. This is something even non-celebrities who get divorced can learn from — once there’s a divorce, what matters is the child you share.
In the male-dominated world of professional sports, in which old notions of masculinity are often upheld, comes a glimmer of progression. A recent ESPN SportsCenter question of the night asked if an athlete should play on the same day as his child is born. With about 140,000 votes cast, 75% of the voters said fatherhood is more important than the game. If thletes can publicize their choice to not play on the day of their child’s birth, then a lot of young fans out there will learn something good from their role models’ decision.
Tomorrow at 12:40pm (PST)/3:40pm (EST), tune in to the FOX News Channel for my thoughts about co-ed sleepover parties. This is becoming a more common practice for parents of teens in which the parents feel that as long as they supervise closely, this can be a fun get-together. Are these parents completely forgetting what they were like as teens? Adolescents will find a way through any loophole in supervision to do something sexual or sneak a beer. Parents can find something else to show they trust their teens than allow this kind of party powderkeg.
The frank answer to the above question is no. We live in a world in which horrible things happen, even when we are on constant watch to prevent them. This is why we cannot let our fears of what might happen prevent us or our children from living dynamic and full lives. Should we tell our kids that bad stuff happens and that we must be mindful of dangers? Yes. But we must also tell them that we will protect them when they’re young and prepare them when they’re older to take in all the life they can.
You can read more about my suggestions for explaining disasters at http://www.familymanonline.com/moms_and_dads.php?id=89. But I also want to say that, while horrific events like this will happen again, I have thoughts on how we can react in a proactive way. First, we must address the root of the problem with the young man in Virginia. He was mentally ill, showed signs of violent thoughts (even writing about them in plays), and was a loner. We need to ask about our approach to the mentally ill. Was he getting the care and attention he needed, not just for his sake but for the safety of others? Isolation is also a major issue. As our world expands, we seem to be drifting further from our neighbors, our co-workers, even our families (especially extended families). What are we doing to connect? We should be reaching out, with basic greetings and moments in which we stop and talk to each other whether it’s for the one minute we thought we didn’t have for the person in the check-out line or the three-hour dinner with a cousin with whom we lost touch. When we do things like this, we model for our children, showing them how to bridge social gaps.
We will spend weeks going over the details of this tragedy, laying a lot of blame on the campus police for not locking down the school after the first shooting. My current thought is that the security response was lacking and that we should demand that the schools and institutions where our kids spend time be prepared for disasters, scary as it is to imagine. For superb ideas on how parents can make schools safer, read Michele Borba’s recommendations at http://www.micheleborba.com/Pages/ArtBMI01.htm .
However, focusing on the security issue alone would diminish the larger concerns mentioned above. We must come together, not break apart or hide behind walls, in the face of this event. We must find ways to help each other with the hope that we can minimize the disaster of isolation with the benefits of connection.
Yesterday’s firing of Don Imus has been widely commented on, but I’d like to throw in my two cents. The demeaning words Imus used to disparage the Rutgers women’s basketball team (which you can read about elsewhere: http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/04/13/imus.rutgers/index.html), were intended to provide shock value. That’s what Imus does and his massive popularity over the decades (predating Howard Stern) shows how willing many in the American public are to support someone who vents without censor, ridicules countless people, and appeals to our baser instincts. This is not to say that Imus is not intelligent — he has cleverly played to the public’s taste for a long time.
But his firing, by CBS radio and MSNBC cable TV, is a reaction to a public outcry to punish someone for showing insensitivity to race and gender that was too strong even for our jaded society. Maybe he did it just for the shock value, yet the fact that he did it was reprehensible and his corporate bosses followed through with a punishment that will hurt them perhaps more than him.
For our children, this is a fine example of how adults can be disciplined for misusing words. We often say that sticks and stones will never hurt, but we all know that they do. Pointing out this case may feel a little raw to our young people, however it is a great means of comparison for kids who don’t understand why they might get in trouble for similar comments in school, at home, or on the playground. It’s also good to note that the women of the Rutgers team handled themselves with diginity, never asking for Imus to be fired, but simply standing up for themselves as human beings. Part of me expects, and hopes, that although Imus claims he’s done apologizing, he will use his publicity to teach tolerance. In the meantime, his downfall is a prime opportunity to show our children that America means business when it comes to verbal abuse and equality.
I’m getting a lot of expressions of gratitude for the column I wrote about my quest for the elusive nap (http://www.familymanonline.com/columns.php?id=42). My friend, and fellow father, Adam Turteltaub wrote to me the painfully true comment: “We used to have such big dreams. Now we dream of getting a chance to dream.”
Another dad, my brother-in-law, Tim, directed me to a recent report that shows that taking three 30-minute naps a week can reduce the risk of fatal heart attacks by up to 37% (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17115245/). That’s huge news and one that should encourage us sleep-deprived parents to stake a claim to nap time for its numerous benefits. Because it reduces stress and rejuvenates the mind and body, a short siesta is something the researchers suggest doing in the middle of your work day, too. If you have a couch or a comfy chair, set an alarm, close your eyes, and rest. The advantages of making you more alert and de-stressed will help you be more productive and happier. And imagine coming home less weary to play with the kids after work. This is a habit worth making part of our lives, especially in the go-go schedules we keep.
Being a guy, it’s difficult to let a good comment about passing gas go by, so let everyone be warned. Standing in line at an amusement park, trying to entertain my children, I got an unexpected boon when a preschool-age boy said to his father, “Daddy, I don’t like the smell you just made.” Then the child said to the woman who was equally offended by the dad’s emission, “Mommy, your farts smell like flowers.”
This year, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), released the statistic that autism affects 1 in 150 births, which means about 1.5 million Americans today. The U.S. Department of Education and other agencies in our government report that autism is growing at a rate of 10-17%. As a brief description, the Austim Society of America (http://www.autism-society.org) explains that autism is “one of five disorders that falls under the umbrella of Pervasive Developmental Disorders (PDD), a category of neurological disorders characterized by ’severe and pervasive impairment in several areas of development.’”
My wife has worked with children with autism for years, helping both the kids who have developmental issues and the parents who look for answers to help their children. I, too, teach a number of students who have Asperger’s Disorder (which delays such areas as social development, though the children can be quite intellectually advanced).
Despite the growing numbers of autistic children, we know little about the developmental disability (for instance, why is it four time more prevalent in boys than in girls?). We all need to learn more, to support families who are affected and understand the people who have the disability. Children who do not have autism also need education because they may not know how to interact with autistic kids who seem slow or strange to them. A fascinating article from Discover magazine (http://discovermagazine.com/2007/apr/autism-it2019s-not-just-in-the-head/?searchterm=autism) can enlighten us about the subject in this month of autism awareness.
