I’ve spent a lot of time talking about how much today’s fathers have increased their role as parents, but the fact is that it would not have happened without the care and patience of modern mothers. So, in an ongoing series of tips, I’ll throw out some ideas for how the man in the parenting equation can support a hard-working mom. And, on occasion, I will post suggestions on how moms can help dear old dad.  

With summer upon us, work can — and should — slow down for most folks. A dad can do a mommy good by planning at least one weekday in July to go visit the beach, lake, river, reservoir. Weekdays tend to be less crowded and more special since it’s a rare time to go away for a day of fun in the sun. First check with your partner to be sure she has no other work or domestic plans. Then, make all the arrangements yourself with no help whatsoever from Mom regarding any reservations or even packing food and sunscreen. It’s amazing how many details there are in getting everyone out, but it will give your partner a feeling that you care to do this kind of thing on a day other than Mother’s Day, and you’ll also benefit from the special time with the kids.

Paul Nyhan, who writes the superb Working Dad blog for the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, posed several questions about why fathers write blogs. Here’s a bit of what I answered (you can see the comments of other fathers: http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/family/archives/104212.asp#comments.

Q: What do blogs tell us about the state of co-parenting and work-life balance?
 
A: Blogs show the pride and frustration of co-parenting. Stay-at-home dads and working fathers who blog have to deal with the ego challenges of assuming traditionally non-male responsibilities and want to feel that they are not alone in their feelings of ambivalence toward working more versus doing a greater amount of child care.
 
Q: Why are so many dads blogging?
 
A: Blogs, like any kind of writing, give us tangible proof that what we are doing is valuable. The rewards of parenting are not like those of work — no one pays us money when we do the job (good or bad). While the remuneration comes in laughter, hugs, and demonstration of things learned, it is less frequent than the crying, tantruming, and inability to walk or grasp a fork for days, weeks, or months.
 
Q: What are the most common parenting issues you see in the daddy blogosphere?
 
A: A lot of dads write about wanting more recognition from their partners and society. Other issues are work-life balance, legislation that affects families, and popular culture. Humor is a big part of the dad blogosphere, as we make fun of ourselves in our ongoing, uncomfortable transformation to nurturers. The humor often has a locker-room tone that makes us all feel more manly.
 
Q: Can blogs help dads navigate 21st century parenting?
 
A: Blogs can be that gateway to greater knowledge about how to parent and how to function as a man in a changing world. The immediacy of all that information, presented by people similar to us (all over the world) means that we’re daddying like our ancestors — in a village with lots of people to guide and support us. Cue the dramatic music, please
 
To read Paul’s article that resulted from the answers of numerous fathers, go to http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/274314_dadsday17.html.

Father’s Day has brought some much welcome attention to the Family Man® Blog. This Sunday, June 18, at 9:40 am EST, you can hear me on the David Burd Show on Washington Post Radio in DC. I’ll be talking about why dads aren’t the idiots we are sometimes portrayed to be. Click here for info: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/wtwpradio/bio/david_burd.html or http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/wtwpradio/listen.html. 

It looks like I have Pittsburg Post-Gazette colmnist Peter Leo to thank for quoting my comments about the “numbskull” depitction of dads in the media: http://www.post-gazette.com/localnews/morningfile/. Peter’s columns fit into that Jon Stewart mold of topical humor. 

One more quick thanks to Meredith O’Brien, who got me to do this “dads are capable” rant in her blog (see post just below).

Meredith O’Brien, who frequently lends her sharp insights and humor to the What Dads Need to Know section of this site (http://www.familymanonline.com/moms_and_dads.php?id=80), turned the tables on me for one of her blogs. I’m one of five dads she’s interviewing on the subject of contemporary fatherhood, just in time for Father’s Day. Here are her questions and my answers.

Q: What’s the one stereotype about fathers that ticks you off the most?

A: It’s the stereotyope of the clueless dad. While it may be funny, and often true, that many dads take a “second chair” position to moms when it comes to child care, a rapidly growing legion of fathers can actually change diapers, feed, do carpool, etc. TV sitcoms and commercials still show dads as being numbskulls, which is just not fair or accurate, anymore.

Q: How do you think dads overall have changed over the past 20 years, or have they not changed?

A: This answer piggybacks on the previous one, but I do feel fathers value parenthood more than ever. As men have evolved emotionally, perhaps because society no longer labels them as the sole breadwinners in a family, they are closing the gap with moms. More dads get home on time for dinner – often to make it themselves — and bedtime rituals, take their kids to the park in the afternoon, do nighttime feedings and help with homework. Recent studies show that many dads would take more family time over a job promotion. That’s a sea change in the past two decades.

Q: We read all the time about how, even with the majority of mothers of young children in the paid workforce, that they have to pull a “double shift,” one at the place of employment, one at home, doing the bulk of the child care and house keeping. Do you think that this belief, that dads don’t pull their own weight with child care and house keeping, is off base or right on target? Why?

A: It’s both off base and on target. While more dads are involved and pulling their weight, a lot of them are slow to change out of their stereotypical clothes. The fact is that this is not only unfair to working moms, it’s unfair to the dads who remove themselves from the benefits of being more in sync with their children. However, with more dads doing their share, social pressure is slowly coming into play so that male competition may actually force more fathers to get in the game to keep up with those who balance out their lives with both work and child care.

Q: What’s one thing you wish your significant other would back off about when it comes to your particular parenting style?

A: I’m too slow for my wife, when it comes to feeding, bathing, getting out of the house. I’m a bit of a dawdler, but I don’t think it’s always to my children’s detriment. With her punctuality and uptempo style and my opposing manner, we create a balance that I wish she had an easier time accepting.

Q: Do you have a fathering role model? If so, who is it and why? If not, what’s your personal daddying philosophy?

A: My own dad is a good listener with great patience, both traits I aspire to use and improve on. Whenever I’ve expressed a need for more of him, he has always responded. Also, my Grandpa Al was a bigtime hugger and cheerleader who was always thrilled to see his kids and grandkids. My own philosophy has been colored by them, as well as my ideas about teaching my children to take risks, try hard, and give love willingly.

See the Meredith’s blog at http://www.townonline.com/blogs/bostonMommy/?p=445. And read more of her work at Family Man: http://www.familymanonline.com/moms_and_dads.php?id=73.

Researchers at Florida State University have concluded that adults who were verbally abused as children have a greater likelihood of suffering from depression and anxiety. Specifically, the study says, strong self-criticism is the byproduct of insults and other criticisms heard while people are growing up.

There are treatments for adults who have suffered from the kind of verbal abuse that causes this often debilitating self-doubt, but Professor Natalie Sachs-Ericsson, the lead researcher on the report, focuses on what parents of today’s children can do. “Parents may have learned this style of parenting from their own parents,” she explains, ”or they simply may be unaware of positive ways to motivate or discipline their children.”

I heartily recommend you read the synopsis of the study, linked below. It certainly made me think of my own fallibility because I get into ruts in which I yell more than I should. In my own powerlessness as a parent, and often in response to the screaming or other sundry means of button pushing that one of my kids performs, I boil over. I find that this is a result of a couple of things: one is over-working myself, two is the pressures of co-parenting in a world in which time and money never seem to be enough, and another is anger at myself for not being more in control. More than it should, my self-criticism comes out by being critical of my kids. I get mad at myself because I worry that this counteracts all the time I spend building up my children’s self-esteem, making them laugh, and know how much I love and respect them. But worry means nothing without action, and I am leanring all kinds of ways to step back, blow my steam off elsewhere, and let my kids just be kids.

For more on my own experience with emotional spillage, see “Taming the Hulk Within” at http://www.familymanonline.com/columns.php?id=3.

I welcome your comments and stories. None of us is that perfect parent we might want to be, but perhaps we can help each other be the best that we can be.

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=43894