I really do try to see the glass half-full when it comes to the last month of summer, but it always seems that I’m on a particularly thin edge as the reality of a new school and fiscal year rears its head. As we drove home from a brief date night, my wife and I were really looking forward to a relaxing first Saturday of August, just enjoying being with the kids, reading a newspaper, and eating bagels when we got a frantic call from our eldest son. 

“I told you I have lice!” he cried into my wife’s phone while I tried to listen in from the driver’s seat.

“It’s dandruff,” my wife said, hopefully.

Sure enough, when we got home, we discovered one little bugger, then another, and another. Mostly, there were tiny eggs hiding in my son’s hair like ninjas waiting to pounce. Oh, crap, my wife and I thought. There goes the relaxing weekend. As we had learned two years ago, it was going to take an all-out defensive and offensive strike to rid out family members and home of these microscopic monsters. In addition to irritation, we also felt deflated and even a little resentful about having to go through this all again. It really is a hugely time-consuming endeavor to get life back to normal. And, as irrational as it is, we kept thinking about what we could have done to keep the lice away. In a family life already stuffed to the gills with tasks, this one put us over the top. Sometimes, there really is no perspective that helps…at least we’re not the family I just heard about that gets infested several times a year. Now that would really louse up our lives!

It’s relatively straightforward for us parents to deal with a product recall, like the one that recently occurred with McNeil Consumer Healthcare, which pulled products such as children’s versions of Tylenol, Tylenol Plus, Motrin, Zyrtec, and Benadryl because of “quality” issues (such as a higher concentration of an active ingredient). What freaks most of us out is a situation in which kids engage in destructive behaviors without significant warning signs. I really try not to be an alarmist, but the recent story of a child who died while playing the “choking game” hit hard. The game involves hanging from a rope or otherwise strangling in order to get the high that occurs from losing brain cells while suffocation is in process. The trick is to stop the choking before reaching the point of no return, yet that didn’t happen with this one boy. His age? 12…

What packs an even bigger punch is that many kids who play this game do so because they don’t want to do such forbidden things as drugs or alcohol. They are often high-achieving young people who go for a “natural” high. They still want to be good kids by not polluting their bodies. Well, there’s nothing natural about this and it points out fundamental issues. We must keep communicating with our children about their lives and stay involved in their world. Know their friends and be supportive. Talk to them about things like this choking game. It’s real. Even if your kid is a bit more sensitive, at least broach the subject of staying safe and calling you or stepping away from dangerous situations, despite the social acceptance issues.

What are your thoughts? How can we keep our kids safe when they think they’re still being good?

David Elkind, a professor emeritus of child development at Tufts University, wrote a succinct response to the fact that some of our country’s schools are using “recess coaches” to help teach kids to play during their time away from the classroom. Because many schools are dropping recess in favor of more academic time and because children often favor gazing at computers and TVs over goofing around with siblings or friends, our kids are losing the benefits of unstructured time. Elkind believes that recess coaches might be more freeing than intrusive when they force children to play rather than sit around during class breaks. He wants to see kids get the advantages that come from being imaginative with one another, running around for exercise, and socializing (such as solving problems — he finds a correlation between a lack of knowing how to play with others and more bullying among peers).

Elkind does not condemn or deny the reality of changing times. He writes, “We have to adapt to childhood as it is today, not as we knew it or would like it to be. The question isn’t whether recess coaches are good or bad — they seem to be with us to stay — but whether they help students form the age-old bonds of childhood. To the extent that the coaches focus on play, give children freedom of choice about what they want to do, and stay out of the way as much as possible, they are likely a good influence…In any case, recess coaching is a vastly better solution than eliminating recess in favor of more academics.”

What do you think? Right now, I’m going to turn off the TV (which often entertains my boys while I write this blog) to kick off a game of hide-and-seek. It’s a small effort, and I’ll lean on electronics again (not always for worse), but I do think there are lots of things we can do as our children’s personal “recess coaches.”

Brain research, let alone centuries of history serve as testament to the many differences between men and women. However, the “battle” that has been waged can and should end. Yes, we make inroads with humor and well-studied tolerance, but we still fall into the traps of insecurity that allow us to often ignore each other’s need to be understood. We even fight over who needs more help, males or females.

So, we have work to do, especially as parents, if we want our boys and girls to be respectful and loving of each other.

One man who I believe is doing amazing work in the area of gender studies is Michael Gurian (author of, among other titles, The Wonder of Boys and The Wonder of Girls). In a recent newsletter from his Gurian Institute, he wrote:

“Clearly, both our sons and our daughters need our help. Why can’t we give them both that help, at once? A number of readers asked that question this week. I don’t know if I have the answer, but have an answer:  Men and women entered a volatile divorce fifty years ago. Our civilization’s approach to gender still trembles with the pain and rage of that divorce.  For some people, saying the word “men” without saying the word “women” means oppression of women. For other people, one gender (generally girls and women) get such special treatment, boys are left to fend for themselves, a condition that leads to their early death, and to a lack of physical safety for our civilization.

”I am a boys’ advocate and the father of two daughters. I am a girls’ advocate and a man who remembers being a lost boy in our American culture. I build theory and practice now as a professional in hopes of caring equally for both genders. I know this truth: gender equity is not ensured by governments, schools, and others funding girls’ and women’s programming at much higher rates than boys’ and men’s; simultaneously, gender equity is not ensured by businesses and others protecting male hierarchical systems more than they fund girls’ and women’s initiatives.

“Both genders need us to end our divorce rage. They need us to stop holding our boys and girls hostage to competition for resources. They need us to focus on the specific areas of distress in which each of our wounded children live. If we don’t grow together in this way, huge numbers of our boys and girls will not find purpose, resources, healthy relationships, and workplace success. And many boys and girls will not survive to have or care for children of their own.” 

A while back, I wrote a piece called “Taming the Hulk Within,” in which I aired my struggle with keeping cool, especially around the kids. In talking to other parents, it seems anger management is one of the most common regrets we have. For me, it’s frequently about the feeling of not being able to control my children’s behavior, which is followed by my frustration with what’s really worth controlling in them, which is followed by the feeling that I do not want to be a wimp with my whining child. The ideal is to be calm in directing my children, but there are all these stressors that I allow to fray me. Financial restraints are probably the biggest culprits at this point. So my children hear me yell way too much. The good thing is that my kids know I love ‘em. Yet, I’m still looking for ways to put the chill in my hot-headedness.

A recent study acknowledges what I and many other parents go through. A LiveScience.com story explains that, “Having children was also associated with angry feelings and behaviors, such as yelling, particularly in women, the survey found. ‘There’s obviously a lot of joys and benefits that come with parenthood,’ but other aspects of parenting, such as having to discipline a misbehaving child, can cause feelings of anger and annoyance,’” said study researcher Scott Schieman.

It’s interesting to note what the study said regarding women and yelling because I hear more about men yelling from the dads I speak with. Whoever is doing it, we all have our work cut out for us. Especially during the holidays, when extended family, spending issues, and more time with the kids will put added weight on our emotions. These days, I’m trying to allow myself to leave the room rather than keep trying to control the situation. I also find that talking over possible upcoming stressors with my wife helps me head off some of what triggers my anger. The goal is to feel better about myself and to role model for my kids how to handle emotions. It helps, not all the time, so I keep searching for every tool I can get.

How about you all out there? What do you do to keep calm?

Romi Lassally, Editor in Chief of the Truu Confessions sites (including True Mom Confessions), is distributing a weekly rundown of highlights from her sites. The concept is for people to unload their thoughts about what really matters in life in an anonymous way to form communities of people supporting each other to make it through all the nuttiness we experience. One example: Not So Quiet Time -
“If I thought I could actually do it comfortably, I would go to the bathroom and try and take a nap while sitting on the toilet.” Check out this week’s list.

The marvelously insightful and equally clever Bruce Kluger puts a little perspective on all the news-hogging, badly behaving adults, from Congressman Joe Wilson who heckled the President to Kanye West who cruelly flashed his ego at Taylor Swift’s expense. He wonders how our kids can filter out such bad role modeling. Check out the column and let me know your own thoughts.

Songwriter-storyteller-author Bill Harley’s new blog is both philosophical and joyous from the perspective of the wise and wonderful Grammy-winning performer. You really should read his entry that ponders the question, “Is Childhood More Dangerous Now?” You can click the embedded link here or on the one in the Favorite Blog list to the below-right of the screen.

Thank God for kids. In all the doom and gloom of the flu, the economy, and general cynicism, children break through with perspectives that — at the very least — make us laugh. Simply click over to this kid drawing of her mother at work and read the mom’s very sober clarification. Has anything like this happened to you? Just last week, my four-year-old announced to his carpool that, “I have the meanest mommy.” “Why?” asked the mom who was driving that day. “She won’t let us roast marshmallows in our fireplace.” Ah, the injustice perpetrated on the young.

Bruce Kluger has long written about parenting and politics, though usually in separate situations. But the 2008 Presidential Election inspired him and his co-author, David Tabatsky, to reveal what kids see in the new president. Their new book is Dear President Obama: Letters of Hope From Children Across America, which contains almost 200 letters and drawings from kids in 29 states, of all walks of life, and from every region of the country.

The collection of letters began when Kluger and Tabatsky e-mailed friends with children, who then forwarded the e-mail to others. Within six weeks, the authors had received nearly 1000 letters. The final group of messages show how much children want to be a part of making a difference in the world, from easing poverty at home to helping those suffering in Sudan. Their voices reflect their dreams as well as the values they are taught by their parents. Learn more about this extraordinary volume of hope at the Web site, which features sample letters and videos from children.

To keep the messages going, please comment on this posting with thoughts your own children may have for our president.